Parent Alienation and Hostile
Aggressive Parenting
What is Parent
Alienation?
Parent
alienation is a dynamic where a child is significantly influenced by
one parent (typically referred to as the alienator) to completely
reject the other parent (often known as the target parent). Children
are literally placed in a situation where they must view one
parent as all bad and one parent as all good. Therefore there
is no space for a child to love both parents. Given that
children view themselves as half Mom and half Dad, the end
result is that the child is forced to deny or reject
themselves.
One of the defining characteristics of PAS is that
children join the alienating parent’s campaign of
hate and eventually reject the target parent.
Other
characteristic include:
-
Children
creating frivolous and unjustified reasons for not wanting to
see the
other parent.
-
Children
refusing to spend time with a parent
-
Children
develop a polarized view of parents i.e. viewing the alienating
parent as all good and the target parent as all bad.
-
Children
adopt the alienating parents perspective as their own
-
Children
frequently state adult concerns about the other parent
What is Hostile
Aggressive Parenting?
Hostile
Aggressive Parenting addresses any form of interference to a normal
healthy parent child relationship. Unlike PAS Hostile Aggressive
Parenting does not involved the
mental health of the child but rather identifies the actions and
behaviors adults. HAP is not limited to biological parents but is a
dynamic that can also involve any significant adult that has influence over a
child (i.e. grandparents, stepparents, extended family members etc.)
Characteristics
of Alienation
-
Feel a
strong need to protect the child from the other parent: lacks confidence in the other parent’s ability to care for the child
-
Unable to
separate the child’s needs/feelings from their own
-
Poor
boundaries with children, may treat child as a peer
-
Interferes
with parent/child access
i.e. fabricating illness of a child, scheduling activities during
the other parent’s time, making
sure children are not available for pick up, raising concerns about
a parent’s ability to care for the child, using legal system as a way to reduce time between the other parent and child
-
May allege
allegations of abuse
-
Shares adult
information with children either overtly or subtly
-
Will not
accept responsibility for issues with children places 100% of
the blame on the other parent
-
Unable to
see any positive qualities in the other parent
-
May refer to
other parent in third person or encourage children to call parent by first name.
What Makes a
Difference?
The
intensity of the alienation
How aggressive
is the campaign? Does the child have any reprieve from the
alienating parent? How much support does the alienating parent have
to affirm their
perspective? (i.e. such as step parents, new partners or extended
family members who support the alienation)
Target
parent’s previous relationship
with the child
What was the
target parent’s relationship with the child before the separation or
divorce? How involved was the target parent in the child’s life
prior to the separation, was the relationship emotionally close?
The
characteristics and personality of the child
What level of
ego strength does the child have, Age of the child? Does the child
possess a high level of resiliency?
Target
parent's response to the alienation
Some target
parent contribute to the alienation by either being unresponsive
and withdrawing from a child’s life or through fighting fire with
fire and trying to convince the child to accept their perspective.
Neither approach is helpful in these situations.
-
Behave with integrity
Just
because the other parent is not focused on the needs of
the children doesn’t mean you have to reciprocate.
Don’t get caught in the trap of thinking that you are
helpless. While you may not have control over the other
parent’s actions you do have control over how you
respond and how you process the situation with your
children.
-
Don’t let the situation take over your life.
Find
some support for yourself and as much as possible limit
the amount of emotional energy you are giving to the
conflict.
-
Don’t blame your children for the rejection.
In normal parenting situations it is reasonable to hold your children accountable for inappropriate and disrespectful behavior. These situations are not normal circumstances. Children are literally being
placed in a situation where in order to be embraced by
one parent they must reject the other. If the
relationship with your child is in jeopardy the first
and most important goal is to preserve your relationship
and emotional connection with your child.
Accountability needs to take a backseat.
-
Make
sure you are taking responsibility for your part
In some situations
target parents may contribute or enhance the alienation
by either trying to aggressively fight back or by
becoming overly passive. Others may choose to completely
withdraw from children’s lives because the rejection and
persecution had become too difficult to deal
with.
5.
Be the most
consistent loving parent you can be
When dealing with high
conflict situations it can sometimes be hard to see how
your actions are making a difference. In some
parent child relationships it may take years before you
will see the results of your choices
and effort.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking you do not
matter to your children, you do.
