When discipline differences between divorced parents rear their ugly head, even the most amiable co-parents can begin to feel edgy and frustrated. Navigating issues such as what’s an appropriate bedtime for 5-year-old Rebecca, to at what age should Charlie get a cell phone can easily put parents at odds with one another.

As divorce coach the topic of managing different parenting styles comes up often. Parents want to know “How can I make my Ex understand the rules need to be the same in both houses?” or  “My Ex lets the kids do anything they want and I’m always the bad guy, what do I do? ”  Clearly for lots of parents, dealing with deviations between rules and structure can be a source of ongoing conflict and tension.

Although mirroring structure across households is ideal for kids after Mom and Dad split up, it’s not the end of the world if you aren’t in sync chapter and verse.  Often the key to how well kids deal with differences has to do with how well you’re dealing with them.

If you and your ex don’t agree on discipline related issues, here are five tips for managing differences constructively.

Side-step comparisons
When you let kids know you have strong feelings about the other parent’s rules expect that they may use those differences to gain a little leverage. Imagine 10-year-old Mason is watching TV and Mom say’s it’s time to do his homework.  Mason’s response is, “Why do I have to stop watching TV? Dad lets me do my homework in the living room with the TV on.”  Immediately Mom reacts to Mason’s baulking by sharing a few choice words about Dad and before you know it, things get out of hand.  Mom is ticked, Mason is fuming and the homework still isn’t done. 

To get a little perspective when differences crop up, ask yourself if this happened at Grandma’s house or your child was at a friend’s house, how would you handle the situation differently?

Chances are if Grandma was the culprit, you would say something like, “That’s great that Grandma lets you watch TV when you do your homework. In this house, things are different. When you finish your homework then you can watch TV.”

Don’t make assumptions
Before you throw your Ex under the bus for letting your kids do things that you wouldn’t, keep in mind it might be wise to check with the other parent first.  Again, any self-respecting kid at some point will try to play both ends against the middle.  When a disagreement comes up over a rule difference you may want to respond by say something like, “Wow, Mom lets you stay up until midnight on a school night? Guess I’d better give her a call to find out more about that.” 

You may find there’s more to story than what was initially presented.

Find middle ground
While you may not see eye to eye with your ex on how to discipline, make an effort to identify what you do agree on.  For instance, while you may have different ideas about bedtimes you can both agree that you want to your children to be safe, respectful and well-behaved children.

Avoid undermining
Even if you don’t agree with the other parent’s perspective, make sure not to contradict or undermine their authority with kids. While it may feel good to join in when your kids are complaining about Dad’s no texting at the dinner table rule, remember the tide is always turning. Tomorrow you may be the new thorn in their side, when you tell them they can’t stay up late on a school night.  Bottom line, even when kids don’t like the rules, support that each parent deserves respect.

Keep life predictable
Divorce brings lots of change to children’s lives, during this time they need to know life is going to be okay. Although things maybe different in each household do your best to let your children know what they can expect when they are with you in your home. Consider using charts, calendars and consistent routines to help your children stay on track. Keeping life predictable for kids not only leaves children feeling more secure; it will also make transitions from one home to the other less stressful.

By focusing on your home (what you can control) instead of what your Ex’s does or doesn’t do (what you can’t control) you’ll not only make the situation better for your kids but chances are you’ll feel less stressed too.

Until next time,

Looking for more practical strategies and insight on how to help your children?
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Words can be very powerful. Do your kids a favor and avoid using legal terms like “visit” and “visitation.” Instead talk about time with Mom & time with Dad or Mom’s house/Dad’s house.

Regardless of how time is spent between households, allow children the opportunity to have two homes. Remember even through your relationship has ended, your children have a right to feel a sense of belonging with each parent.

When merging families focus on helping each member of your newly formed family feel connected and respected.

Create a sense of belonging by having special space for each child. Even if you can’t give each child their own room, do what you can to provide a dedicated place for personal items so when kids are with you they know where to find their stuff. Also set up house rules about respecting everyone things.

For example, when Jeremy is at Mom’s house it shouldn’t be okay for his step/bonus siblings to use his Nintendo DS at Dad’s house without his permission.

Send a clear message that regardless of how much time is spent under your roof, every member of your blended family is valued.

“Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you.”  H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

When differences come up don’t undermine the other parent’s authority by making critical comments or offering judgement. Instead agree to disagree. Send a message to kids that respecting parents is important. Even though you may not see eye-to-eye on some parenting issues, you value the other parent’s role in your children’s lives.

Most of us have emotions that we connect with more easily than others. Your children are no different.  Often kids have a “default emotional response” especially when life is stressful or big changes are happening the family. This means that instead of showing us how scared or anxious they are, it may be easier for them to get angry and lash out or perhaps emotionally crater when they are facing a situation that feels overwhelming.  For example, it may be more comfortable for Devon to scream “I hate you you” than to admit he feels scared or sad about missing Dad.  On the other hand,  Rochelle may be more comfortable acting like everything is fine,  instead of admitting how hurt she feels when Mom doesn’t show up for her scheduled time.

Keep in mind that our children often need us to dig a little deeper. Next time your child is emotionally struggling instead of reacting to the first feeling they show you,  do your best to help them connect with the underlying feeling.

Years from now when your kids look back on this experience.
What will make them proud about how you handled things? 

Remember raising kids is a marathon not a sprint. When I listen to children talk about their childhood there usually isn’t one event or thing that their parents did that stands out for them.  Rather it’s the small everyday choices that their parents made over time that hold the most meaning.

Next time you’re feeling overwhelmed hit pause, take a deep breath and ask yourself what you really want your kids to remember and what will make them proud of you as a parent. 

Its been said that relationships are a lot like bank accounts, meaning you want to make more deposits than withdrawals.  To keep your relationship with kids in the black, make sure one on one time isn’t getting overlooked. 

Over the next week, sit down with your calendar and evaluate where you can block out at least 30 minutes of quality time with each child.  For those parenting out of two homes, consider using the divide and conquer strategy so each child has some QT with a parent. Allocate one week where each parent takes one child and then the following week, you can switch it up and swap kids. 

For those parenting on their own, take advantage of times when one child has a lesson or event and use that pocket of time to do something with the other child.  You can also let children know your plan and develop a schedule where each child gets to have an evening with you.  For example, you might arrange for one child to stay up a little later while everyone else goes to bed.

While it can be hard at times to fit it all in, making one on one time a priority has big benefits.  Not only will it strengthen your relationship but you also may find that some of the day-to-day child rearing battles ease up too.

What tips and tricks do you have for getting QT with your kids on the to-do list?  Tell me in the comments section of this post.

As always, Thanks for checking in! 

Q – What’s the best way to decide who should have primary custody of the children?

 
A - Although your marriage relationship may have ended, your roles as Mom and Dad last a lifetime.  Concepts like primary or sole custody tend to undermine healthy parent child relationships because they perpetuate the idea that parents no longer have equal value in children’s lives.  Sole custody also sets up a dynamic where one parent is viewed as the primary parent while the other parent by default gets placed in the role of visitor.   No matter how amiable your relationship may be, adopting this kind of thinking often creates problems down the road for both parents and kids.

Rather than focusing on who should assume sole custody, I encourage parents to bypass court-based options and jointly focus on creating parenting arrangements based on their children’s needs.

One way to cultivate a positive co-parenting relationship is to implement a two-home concept. What that means is regardless of how time is spent between Mom and Dad; children should feel a sense of belonging and connection in each household.  So instead of using words like “visitation” or “visiting”  “sole custody” or “primary custody”  you talk about time with Mom and time with Dad. Rather than children having one home, you support children having a home with each parent.

Here are a couple of points to consider before you create a parenting agreement and decide how to arrange time with children.

• What was your children’s life like before you separated? How involved were each of you in children’s day to day care?

• Now that you are living apart, how will each of you continue to be an active part of your children’s lives?  How can you support your children’s time with the other parent?

• How are children used to spending time with each of you? What needs to change and what needs to stay the same?

The key to success is developing a relationship that makes parenting your children the central focus. Remember while your relationship has changed, your children’s needs have not.

A -  Before introducing the kids, it’s a good idea to thoughtfully evaluate your relationship status. Typically a good rule of thumb is to wait until a relationship has moved beyond causal dating before including children.  Waiting also helps offset the possibility of exposing your children to unnecessary hurt. When kids become involved with someone you are dating, relationships and attachments often become formed.  If things don’t work out, your children have to come to terms with the loss of that relationship. Also dating is a process of getting to know each other.  In the early stages of a relationship it’s difficult to know if a person will be a good role model for your kids, has shared values or similar morals.

Along with assessing your relationship, make sure your kids are ready to meet someone new. Whether you were married or in a committed partnership, estimates suggest it takes anywhere from one to three years for parents and children to recover from a break up. It’s important to realize that everyone in the family will go through that adjustment process in a different way.  While you may have moved on, your kids will need an opportunity to get used to life in two homes and the idea of Mom and Dad being apart.

Having said that, if you feel your kids are ready and your relationship is on solid ground, I would recommend keeping a first meeting kid-friendly.  Be sure to give your children a heads up and let them know when they will be meeting your new boyfriend or girlfriend. Depending on your children’s ages, consider going  somewhere neutral that gives kids some space, like having a picnic at a local park, visiting the zoo, taking in a movie together, hanging out at an arcade or going to the batting cages. 

Also avoid putting any pressure on your kids to instantly love or even like this new person. Children’s reactions to meeting someone new can vary from immediate adoration to digging their heels and proclaiming “I hate her” or “he’s so lame.”

Be sure to send a clear message that this is someone who has become important to you and you understand that they will need time to get to know each other.  Additionally be aware that when kids meet someone new they may struggle with feeling of disloyalty to their other parent.  It can help to reassure children that liking someone new doesn’t take anything away from the special relationship they have with their Mom or Dad. New relationships that Mom or Dad have can offer opportunities for special “in addition to” relationships but no one can ever replace the love that is shared between children and their parents.

Q - My Ex-wife and I have been divorced for over a year and get along very well.  Unfortunately our children (6 and 10 Years old) seem like they’re struggling.  One child won’t talk and holds everything in while the other seems angry all the time.  Their mom and I don’t know if they’re just being normal kids and we’re dealing with personality traits or if we should be worried that our divorce is having a profound effect on them. As a result, we’ve decided to take them to a counselor.  What is the best way to approach them about it and keep them from being anxious?   

 A - When issues come up with kids after parents part, figuring out what’s related to divorce and what’s not can be really tough. Since you and your Ex have a good co-parenting relationship, I’d recommend that the two of you make an initial consultation appointment with a professional before engaging your children in therapy.

Here’s why.  I frequently tell parents therapist are a lot like shoes, just because they look good doesn’t mean they’re a fit. Before introducing kids to a professional, it’s important that you feel comfortable and confident that they’re someone you want working with your children. While some professionals may be willing to talk with you by phone, it’s usually best if you can meet face-to-face first.  An in person meeting also gives you the chance to:

• See a counselors office space.
• Get a feel for their personality and access whether they’d be a fit with your children.
• Receive additional information about a professional’s background, experience and treatment philosophy.

Additionally, keep in mind that most children of divorce can make a successful adjustment without engaging in therapy or professional counseling.  If you are concerned about how your kids are handling things, it could be really beneficial for  you and your Ex-wife to consider jointly participating in counseling or coaching first. Through working with a counselor, life coach or therapist,  parents can often receive the kind of  information and support they need to make important changes and substantially improve things for their kids.

At the end of the day, if you still feel your children would benefit from having someone else to talk to, do your best to prepare kids for what to expect. Probably the best first step is to normalize the reason for talking to a professional.  A lot of times children may think they did something wrong or that they’re the problem. Other kids may view therapy or counseling as punishment and resent being told they have to talk to some “stranger” about things that are private.  

Let your kids know that when parents divorce lots of kids feel like they have to go it alone.  A lot of times kids carry around worries or feelings that they don’t want to share with their parents because they don’t want to make things worse or hurt Mom or Dad’s feelings.

Reassure your children that a therapist or counselor is someone safe you can talk to when you need help sorting things out.  I often use the analogy of going to the dentist when your tooth hurts or going to the doctor when you don’t feel good. A therapist is a lot like a dentist or a doctor except instead of helping you feel better on the outside, they help you feel better on the inside. 

**For more information on when to look for help, check out  Chapter 27 of PARENTING APART the book.  Providing separated and divorced parents the tools they need to raise HAPPY and SECURE kids.

To get an better idea of what PARENTING APART has to offer, preview a complimentary sample chapter. We think you’ll like what you read.

Q – I have been divorced for several years and have recently fallen in love with a man who lives out of state. I desperately want to move on with my life and take both children with me. However, my Ex and his entire family are here.  A move would mean taking the children (12 and 8 yrs old) away from people they love. Should I let my children choose where they want to live or is it better to put my foot down and make them go?

A - Striking a balance between your personal needs and what’s best for your kids can be incredibility tough. Especially when it involves a major change like moving.  Chances are good that forcing your children to move with you is probably only going to make a difficult situation even worse. However, placing the burden on your kids to make the decision isn’t doing them any favors either. When big decisions (i.e. where kids live, how time is spent between households etc.) are handed over to kids, they usually feel trapped in a no-win situation.  Saying “yes” to one parent by default means saying “no” to the other.

To avoid adding additional stress to your children’s already full plate, consider taking a more thoughtful approach. Begin by sitting down with your kids and having a heart-to-heart about the situation.  Explain your reasons for wanting to move and your concerns about what it will mean for them. Do your best to offer a balanced perspective and avoid only pitching the upside of a move.  Truth is whether they stay with Dad or move with you, it will be a difficult change for everyone.

Be sure to give them an opportunity to share their perspective and feelings. You might even consider helping them make a pros and cons list so they can weigh out the opportunities and challenges of each option.  You can also discuss the possibility of creating a short-term plan.  Perhaps you could  explore other short-term alternatives like agreeing to move for a six-month period after which you could all sit down and evaluate how things are working.

If you and their father have an amiable relationship it would be a good idea to include him in this process as well. While taking your children’s feedback into consideration is important, I would recommend leaving the final decision about where your kids live up to you and their father.

On divorce and children

Parenting Apart: How separated and divorced parents can raise happy and secure kids
by Christina McGhee | divorceandchildren.com

US edition                  UK edition

We’re Still Family, What Grown Children Have to Say about Their Parents’ Divorce
by Constance Ahrons, Ph.D

Joint Custody with a Jerk
by Julie A. Ross and Judy Corcoran

Parenting

If I Have To Tell You One More Time, The Revolutionary Program that Gets Your Kids To Listen Without Nagging Reminding or Yelling
by Amy McCready | www.amymccready.com

Parenting Without Power Struggles
by Susan Stiffleman | www.parentingwithoutpowerstruggles.com

The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries
by Michele Borba  | www.micheleborba.com

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk
by Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber

Parenting With Love and Logic
by Foster Cline and Jim Fay| www.loveandlogic.com

Parenting Made Easy: How to Raise Happy Children
by Sue Atkins (UK publication) | www.sueatkinsparentingcoach.com

Parenting children after separation and divorce

Divorce and Children – www.divorceandchildren.com | hosted by divorce and children expert, Christina McGhee.
When parents part, family life doesn’t end but it definitely changes. How it changes is up to you.  Offering individual coaching, information and support.

Up to Parents – www.uptoparents.com | Proud to Parent – www.proudtoparent.org 
Two free websites sites sponsored by Up to Parents designed to help divorcing and never-married parents stay focused on the needs of their children.

Weparent – www.weparent.com |
Community of parents and professionals focused on helping mothers and fathers who live apart successfully parent  together.

Co-Parenting101 – www.coparenting101.org
Hosted by an ex-wife and ex-husband, providing support to those striving to cooperatively parent after divorce or separation.

For Moms

Café Mom – www.cafemom.com
Social networking and community website for moms

Single Moms – www.singlemoms.com
Place to find information, resources and advice geared to meet the challenges of being a single mom.

For Dads

The Upbeat Dad: www.theupbeatdad | With Rodrick Walters
Parenting website for Moms and Dads interested in promoting the positive influence that fathers can have on their children’s lives.

Single Dad – www.singledad.com
Support to help fathers successfully manage the challenges of single parenting.

Parenting Support

Positive Parenting Solutions: www.positiveparentingsolutions.com | Online parenting training with Amy McCready
Top notch online training that provides parents key strategies that reduce the negative behaviors you don’t want from your kids and increase the positive behaviors you do want.

Self care and support

Inspiring Moms and Dads: www.inspiringmoms.com with Amy Hilbrich Davis
Home of the award-winning balance MAP. 
This site helps moms and dads, whether single, married or parenting apart find greater balance, success, and happiness in their family life.

The Life Change Network: www.thelifechangenetwork.com
Community of caring professionals offering information, inspiration and support for those facing a major life change.

As you move forward with the legal process, there may be many aspects, which seem unfamiliar or confusing. The following outlines and defines some of the key language used in many family court systems in the United States. For parents in the United Kingdom, the family law organisation, Resolution has a wealth of helpful information for parents online.   You can also reference a similar glossary of UK legal terms here.

If you are ever unsure of what a term means or have questions about how your case is proceeding, be sure to discuss the matter with a family lawyer.

In short, all divorce proceedings begin with a Petition for Divorce and end with a Decree, Final Order or Judgment of Divorce.  However, how the process unfolds, the quality of the agreement you create, the amount of stress and tension generated by uncoupling  and the overall financial impact of arranging legal matters greatly depends on the choices you make.

Without a doubt the more energy you put into finding ways to cooperate and collaborate with the other parent, the more control you will have over the process.  Not only will you arrive at a better long term outcome for you and your children but you will also be laying the ground work for your future co-parenting relationship.

Terms you may need to know…

Petitioner
Respondent
Family Court
Temporary Hearing
Temporary Orders
Amicus attorney
Guardian Ad Litem (GAL)
Attorney Ad Litem
Conservatorship or Custody Order
Joint custody or joint managing conservatorship
Sole custody, primary or sole managing conservatorship
Primary Residence or Primary Possession
Affidavit of Choice or Affidavit of Preference
Parenting Schedule Visitation or Periods of Possession
Custodial Parent
Non-Custodial Parent
Supervised Visitation
Guardian
Legal Aid
Temporary Restraining Order
Protective Order  
Parenting Plan
Geographic Restriction
Final Decree of Divorce or Dissolution of the Marriage

Petitioner
The parent or spouse who initiates the divorce by filing a petition is referred to as the “Petitioner” in legal documents and court records.

Respondent
When divorce proceedings are started by one parent or spouse, the other parent or spouse is known as the “Respondent” in legal documents and court records.

Family Court
The court in your jurisdiction assigned to hear and preside over family court matters such as divorce, child custody, child support, abuse allegations or issues involving the safety and or welfare of a child. How family cases are managed varies among states and from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. Some areas may have a designated court or court system that only deals with family matters, while other systems may designate cases to courts that handle a wider variety of legal issues.

Temporary Hearing
Once a petition has been filed and both parties have been notified, the Court upon request by either party may set a Temporary Orders Hearing.  These hearings are designed to decide how financial matters and the care of children will be managed until a final order is reached.

Temporary Orders
After a temporary orders hearing, the Court will issue temporary orders.  These orders provide temporary guidelines for parents regarding custody and possession of the children, child support, spousal maintenance, payment of family expenses, who will reside in the family home and other similar issues.  Temporary orders can be arranged through:

• An agreement between the parties (parents)
• An agreement between lawyers with the consent of their clients or
• A decision by the Judge after a contested hearing.

Amicus attorney
An Amicus Attorney is a “friend of the court.”  In family law matters, an Amicus Attorney is a lawyer who has been appointed by the Court to assist the Court in protecting the child’s best interests. They focus on resolving the issues concerning the children involved in divorce proceedings and custody disputes.   An Amicus Attorney assists the Court in making its determination as to what orders would be in the best interests of the child but they do not act as an attorney for the child.

Guardian Ad Litem (GAL)
A Guardian Ad Litem is a person, most often a lawyer, appointed by the Court to make decisions on behalf of a child or to make recommendations to the Court as to what the Guardian Ad Litem  believes is in the best interests of the child.  The Guardian Ad Litem substitutes his or her judgment for the child’s and may make or recommend decisions on behalf of a child even if the child disagrees with those decisions.  

Attorney Ad Litem
An Attorney Ad Litem for a child is an attorney who is appointed to represent the interests and desires of the child.  The Attorney Ad Litem for a child represents the child client essentially the same as he or she would represent any other client. 

Conservatorship or Custody Order
A conservatorship or “custody” order determines the legal rights and duties of each parent.  It also outlines how and when parents will spend time the child, which is also known as a “possession schedule.” The order governs how particular decisions will be made concerning the child, such as what city or county the child will live in, the choice of schools, medical and counseling decisions and when each parent will have time with or “possession” of the child. There are two primary types of conservatorship used in the family court systems.

• Joint custody or joint managing conservatorship
  In many states and jurisdictions it is presumed that both parents will be given “joint custody” or be named as “joint managing conservators”.  Joint managing conservatorship or “joint custody” supports the idea that both parents have a right to be actively involved in children’s lives. However,” joint custody” does not necessarily mean the child will spend fifty percent of his or her time with each parent.  “Joint custody” will often, but not always, mean that significant decisions regarding the child must be made jointly by both parents and both parents must consent to decisions such as choice of schools, medical treatment, involvement in counseling or therapy, and other significant decisions regarding the child. 

• Sole custody, primary or sole managing conservatorship
  “Sole custody” usually means that one parent is given the exclusive right to make significant decisions such as area of residence, choice of schools, medical and counseling decisions and other significant decisions regarding the child.  Usually when a Court orders that one parent will have “sole custody” the other parent will be given rights to substantial periods of time or “possession” with the child.  In many jurisdictions and states “sole managing conservatorship” is only awarded in cases where there are serious concerns regarding the safety and wellbeing of a child, for instance cases involving domestic violence, abuse, alcohol or drug use.  Other jurisdictions may award sole managing conservatorship if it is proven that “joint managing conservatorship” is not in the best interest of a child because the parents are embroiled in so much conflict that joint decisions cannot be made.

Primary Residence or Primary Possession
This term refers to the parent who has the right to possession (“day to day care”) of a child most of the time.  Many times orders regarding the parenting time the child is to have with each parent is close to equal.  The parent with “primary residence” or “primary possession” simply has the right to more days with the child than the other parent.  

Affidavit of Choice or Affidavit of Preference
In some states, children are able to sign an affidavit indicating to the Court which parent they would like to live with or which parent should have primary custody of the child.  Usually children must be at least 12 years old to sign these affidavits.  Unfortunately, parents often misunderstand the effect of these types of affidavits.  An affidavit of choice or preference only indicates a child’s preference, which is then taken into consideration by the Judge but is NOT binding on the Judge. The family court always makes the final decision about where a child lives.

Parenting Schedule, Visitation or Periods of Possession
Allocates how children will spend time with each parent.  In many cases, one parent will be designated as having “primary possession” of the child and the other parent will be given visitation or possession rights.  Many states have “standard visitation” or “standard possession schedules.” These “standard” schedules vary from state to state and may be modified by the Court depending on the facts of any particular case and the best interests of the child.    

Custodial Parent
The parent a child normally lives with on a day-to-day basis. The custodial parent is often the parent responsible for making legal decisions concerning the child.

Non-Custodial Parent
The parent who does not live with a child on a day-to-day basis. The non-custodial parent is typically granted “visitation” rights or specific “periods of possession” with the child.

Supervised Visitation
When there are serious concerns about the physical or emotional safety of a child, a Judge may order that contact between a parent and a child be supervised by a responsible adult or neutral third party.  In some situations, visitation may be supervised through a facility approved by the Court for this purpose. 

Guardian
Usually refers to a person who has been appointed to care for a child in the event that both parents have died or are unable to provide for the safety and welfare of a child.  This assignment of guardianship can happen through a parent’s Will or by Court order.

Legal Aid
In many states, low-cost legal services are available for those who need it. For information about what kinds of services are available in your area, contact your state or local bar association. Bar Associations can provide an attorney referral list that gives the names of lawyers or legal aid organizations that provide abbreviated, initial consultations or full representation at reduced rates.

For more information online regarding legal aid resources by state go to: http://public.findlaw.com/library/state-legal-aid.html

Temporary Restraining Order
Usually this is a court order, which orders parties not to commit violence against each other, not to come around the other party’s residence and not to communicate with the other party in a harassing fashion. These orders can also:

• Prohibit a parent from removing children out of state 
• Prevent withdrawing children from their routine school or day care  
• Prohibit the transfer of assets or spending of money other than in the ordinary course of business or as necessary to pay usual and customary living expenses
• Prevent a spouse from committing violent acts such as stalking or physically threatening the other parent

In some jurisdictions the Courts issue a standard restraining order automatically when a divorce case is filed. 

Protective Order 
This is a type of restraining order that is issued in cases where there is a recent history or real threat of immediate family violence.  These orders are usually enforceable by immediate arrest by the police if they are violated.  A protective order will typically instruct that a person stay away from the victim’s residence, work place and often the children and their schools.

Parenting Plan
An agreement between parents, which outlines how to manage and provide for the day-to-day, care and needs of children. Parenting plans can cover such issues as how time is spent between households, how decisions will be made about educational needs/activities and how parents will share information with one another. In amiable situations, parents may negotiate matters on their own. In other circumstances, parents may use mediation, collaborative law process or a neutral third party to create an agreement.

Geographic Restriction
This restricts the parent with primary residence from relocating or moving a child from a specific geographical location such as to another city, state or country without the consent of the other parent or the authorization of the Court.  These restrictions usually require that parents reside within a specific city or county.   Some jurisdictions have policies or presumptions regarding these geographic restrictions that either favor or disfavor such restrictions.  

Final Decree of Divorce or Dissolution of the Marriage
A final decree of divorce or of dissolution of marriage legally ends the marriage and usually after a short waiting period, each spouse is free to re-marry. The “Decree of Divorce” also contains the rulings of the Court or approves the parties’ agreements concerning the division of property, custody, possession and support of the children and other decisions or agreements related to the divorce. 

“Final decrees” provide a set of court orders regarding possession of the children and how to make decisions regarding the welfare of children.  In the event, that parents cannot come to an agreement over an issue they are required to follow the Court orders contained in their divorce decree. 

For more information on additional legal terms visit www.divorcedex.com.
An innovative online index of divorce terms that focuses on providing information related to the process of separation and divorce. Sponsored by Divorce Source.

Q - I recently married a man who has children.  I have never had kids of my own and am struggling with this new role. Even though I try really hard to be the best step parent I can be, his ex-wife criticizes everything I do.  Several times I’ve turned myself inside out to get along or help out  and nothing changes.  I know all this is hard on the kids yet when they don’t acknowledge my efforts I usually get my feelings hurt. Sometimes I feel like even my own husband isn’t on my side. Any suggestions on how to get past feeling frustrated and upset?

A - Entering into a relationship that involves children from a previous marriage has it’s own unique challenges, especially if you’ve never had kids of your own.  As a woman becoming a bonus mom ( aka step mom), expect that no matter how skilled you think you are you won’t have credibility in the parenting world until you’ve paid your dues.  Often decisions will be made that greatly impact your life without your input.  Your judgment will probably be called into question. At times, you may even find yourself wrestling with guilt for feeling like your life has been hijacked or struggling with occasional pangs of jealousy over having to share your husband.  Rest assured you’re not alone and feeling frustrated is normal. Take it heart, over time things usually get better. While growing into a family isn’t easy, in the beginning stages there are things you can do on the front end to shorten your learning curve.

Realize you don’t have to be perfect.

Despite your best efforts you cannot be everything to everyone.   As a bonus mom you may feel pressured to keep your newly formed family humming along flawlessly.  Keep in mind even biological parents don’t get it right every time and neither will you. Do yourself a favor, ditch the Wonder Woman outfit and cut yourself some slack.  You’ve never done this before. Expect to make mistakes.  On the upside, while you’re working out the kinks you’ll probably discover some skills you never knew you had.

You don’t have to go it alone.

The value of a good support system outside of your marriage is immeasurable. While you may have a great relationship with your husband, avoid the pitfall of making him your only sounding board when you’re feeling frustrated. Whether you read books, get together for coffee with the girls, join an online chat group for bonus moms or peruse blogs that offer support, connect with other women who are parenting kids they didn’t birth.

Get on the same page.

While there can be benefits to the philosophy “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” second marriages typically endure more stressors. If you haven’t already, make time to talk with your husband about child rearing philosophies. Take it from one who has been there, in the long run it pays big dividends. Be sure to discuss issues like how you will handle holidays, managing finances, relationships with ex’s, each of your roles regarding discipline, how family decisions will be made, the possibility of new additions to the family and most importantly, how you will make time for yourselves as a couple.

Have a “no stings attached” attitude.

If you choose to do something for your bonus kids, do it without expectation or hope of acknowledgement. As you’ve already discovered, the chances of your husband’s ex nominating you for “Bonus Mom of the Year” because you drove two hours across town to take your bonus kids to a birthday party, are slim.  From her point of view, she does it all the time. What’s the big deal? Likewise don’t feel crestfallen when your bonus kids don’t thank you for turning yourself inside out to be at their school play. In their minds, the fact that they wanted you there probably speaks for itself.

When it comes to parenting children you didn’t birth there are no hard and fast rules and every situation is unique. While you may not all share the same histories over time you will develop your own special quirks, traditions and shared stories.

*  SIDE NOTE: By definition  the word “bonus” means something that is an added benefit or an addition to what is expected. In my own family as my relationship grew and changed with my husband’s children, “step” language just didn’t work for us.  We now do our best to avoid using the words like stepmom/stepchildren and instead use bonus language to describe who we are in each other’s lives.

For more information consider checking out the resources section of this app.

Younger children – 3 to 7 years old

Meatballs and Peanut Butter by Elyse Rafferty Mitchell

Standing on My Own Two Feet: A Child’s Affirmation of Love in the Midst of Divorce by Tamara Schmitz

Was It the Chocolate Pudding: A Story for Little Kids About Divorce by Sandra Levins and Bryan Langdo

Missing Rabbit by Roni Schotter

Fred Stays With Me! By Nancy Coffelt

My Stick Family by Natalie Reilly and Brandi Pavaese.

The Way I Feel by Janan Cain

Two of everything by Babette Cole

Mum and Dad Glue by Kes Gray

Older children ages 8-12 years old

Why Are We Getting a Divorce? by Peter Mayl

Amber Brown Series by Paula Danziger

Catching Crazy by Jacob Cummer

The Divorce Express by Paula Danziger

The Suitcase Kid by Jacqueline Wilson

Mom’s House, Dad’s House for Kids Feeling at Home in One Home or Two: by Isolina Ricci

DVD programs

Lemons 2 Lemonade: How to handle life when things go sour between Mom and Dad by Christina McGhee and Stephen Loughhead (DVD and Workbook for children between the ages of 5 and 12 years old)

Teens 13-18 years old

Surviving Divorce: Teens Talk about What Hurts and What Helps by Trudi Strain Trueit

Divorce Is Not the End of the World: Zoe’s and Evan’s Coping Guide for Kids by Zoe and Evan Stern

Is Anyone’s Family as Mad as Mine? A Survival Guide for Teenagers by  Kathryn Lamb

The Divorce Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Move Beyond the Breakup by Lisa M. Schab

The Divorce Helpbook for Teens by Cynthia MacGregor

Young Adults

The Way They Were: Dealing with Your Parents’ Divorce After a Lifetime of Marriage by Brooke Lea Foster

The Love They Lost: Living with the Legacy of Our Parents’ Divorce  by Stephanie Staal

Q – When I enforce a rule my daughter says she wants to go live with my Ex. I don’t want her to leave but I don’t think I should back down either.  What do I do?

A - When a relationship ends there are a lot of things parents find unsettling, overwhelming and downright scary. However, nothing strikes fear into a divorced parent’s heart like hearing, “I hate you. I want to go live with my other parent!“

More often than not those words are uttered in the heat of the moment, like when you are enforcing a rule.  Maybe you’re having a disagreement over how clean a bedroom really needs to be or perhaps you’ve been told in no uncertain terms how lame you are because you won’t say yes to rated “M” (for mature) video games.  Kids may tell you how they covet the multitude of freedoms they have when they are with Dad or how very cool Mom is because she lets them text at the dinner table. 

So what do you do when your little bundle of joy demands to live full-time with their other “more fun” parent?

Don’t take it personal

Be mindful that every self-respecting kid at one time or another will test the waters. When kids are angry or upset about a rule being enforced, they may use the threat of changing households as a way to get you to back down.  For other kids, hitting you where they know it hurts, is just another way of acting out their anger.

Whether it’s to gain an upper hand or to show you how really pissed off they are, do your best not to take what your child has said at face value. 

Avoid turning the tables

Most kids have cultivated a special talent for pushing just the right buttons. While you may not mean it, take care not to counter your child’s angry outburst with one of your own by telling them you’d love to ship them to the other parent’s house. Although it may seem like a reasonable response, using a shape up or ship out threat typically results in more problems. First, it sends a pretty clear message that you don’t have control. Keep in mind, when kids figure out you don’t mean it (and most of us don’t) chances are they aren’t going to value or respect the other issues you take a stand on in the future.  Second, it’s quite possible your kids may also interpret “I’ll just send you to live with Dad/Mom” as your love is conditional (i.e. “Do what I say or you’re out of here.”). Either way it compromises your credibility as a parent.

Keep your cool

As hard as it may be, don’t match your child’s anger or engage in a discussion about changing the living arrangements. Even though you may be seething, do your best to give the appearance of being calm and collected.  If needed, take a deep breath before addressing your child’s request in a matter of fact way. 

For example when your teen tosses out, I want to go live with Dad. Your rules suck.” You might say something like, “I’m glad you feel comfortable with the rules in Dad’s house. However, in this house we have different rules. Talking about where you live when we are having a disagreement isn’t a good idea. When things have cooled off, if you’d still like to talk about changing where you live let me know and I’ll make time for us to discuss it further.”

On another note, if you find you’re having a strong reaction to what your child has said, it’s probably best to put things on hold.  Odds are nothing good will come out of talking to your child when you’re feeling hurt or angry.  Instead, let your child know you need some time to think about what has been said and step away from the situation. Consider going to another room or taking a walk outside. Once you’re in a better place, give thought to what set you on edge and how you want to address the issue with your child.

Have an open mind

If you have a more traditional parenting schedule, be aware that at some point your kids may want to know what it would be like to spend more time in the other parent’s home. When children express a sincere interest that is not motivated by anger or upset, as parents, it’s important to pay attention to that.

Whether you are under one roof or two, as our children’s needs change, so must our parenting. For example, it’s very normal for a teenage boy to crave more day-to-day contact with his father.  A young girl transitioning into her tweens may really benefit from spending extra time with Mom. Although it can be scary as hell to think about changing your parenting arrangement, do your best to keep an open mind.

 **For more practical tips and success strategies, check out PARENTING APART, the book.  Providing separated and divorced parents the tools they need to raise HAPPY and SECURE kids. As a subscriber, feel free to preview a complimentary sample chapter of PARENTING APART or take a look the table of contents to see what it has to offer.

It’s not hard to understand how special days or events can be both challenging and  painful for us as parents. For some they serve as an agonizing reminder of old hurts, while others maybe struggling to get a handle on feelings of resentment and bitterness.  While it’s easy to get caught up in the  “I don’t owe my Ex anything” mentality, keep in mind you do owe your kids something— the opportunity to love and cherish both of their parents.  While you are certainly entitled to feel any way you want,  remember it isn’t about your Ex, it’s about your children.

No matter how you slice it, separating your feelings about special days from the needs of your children is important.  If you’re grappling with how to keep special days special for your kids, here’s some tips to help you get started.

Plan ahead

If you don’t already have something worked out, consider talking to you ex about upcoming events or occasions.  Take out a calendar and make note of where special days fall during the year.  Consider what’s important to your kids and think through what you could do to alleviate possible tension around those dates.

For example,  if you know it’s important to your Ex to spend his or her birthday with the children, then offer to switch days or adjust the schedule.  It might also be helpful to think about how you can accommodate situations that involve events with extended family such as Aunt Marge’s annual summer barbeque or Grandpa’s family reunion.

Follow your children’s lead

Make plans to talk with your children ahead of time about what they would like to do for Dad/Mom on their special day. Listen to their ideas about how they would like to honor their parent and follow their lead.  Remember it’s okay to set appropriate boundaries around what you can and can’t do. 

Be mindful that younger children will need more guidance about how to make the day special.  Although older children are more capable and independent, they will probably need a reminder and your support.  Consider asking what their plans are for that day and if they need any help.  Although it may not seem like much, in the long run, it will mean something to your teen.

Keep gestures appropriate

Do your best to support good choices and keep gestures for the other parent appropriate.  If your children want to buy Dad a shirt, don’t help them pick out the ugliest, cheapest shirt you can find and wrap it with glee.  Likewise don’t go to Macy’s and help your children pick out something for Mom that’s two sizes too small.  Fantasize about it all you want but for your children’s sake, steer clear of temptation.

If money is an issue, consider lower budget options such as helping children make homemade gifts, framed photos, special cards or baking Mom or Dad’s favorite dish.

If your Ex isn’t supportive

Unfortunately no matter how hard you try to do right by your children, you have no control over the choices your Ex makes.  If your Ex isn’t willing to help the children, you can still offer them the chance to feel good about the day. Plan a trip to the zoo, declare you require an obscene number of hugs for Father’s Day or Mother’s Day, take kids shopping and let them help you pick something out for Christmas or cook your favorite meal together on your birthday. 

If your Ex won’t adjust the schedule or there’s significant distance between your two homes and you can’t be with your children on the day, let kids know you will celebrate the next time you are together.

Even when your Ex isn’t making it easy, do your best to keep special days special for your kids.

Q – I have a big holiday family event coming up but it’s not my scheduled weekend.   Although we’ve had our moments usually my Ex and I have a pretty good co-parenting relationship however, this time she isn’t willing to change the schedule. My kids are older and I have considered asking them to speak with their mom about the situation. Quite honestly, I am really upset that the kids may miss seeing my family, lots of relatives will be there that my kids usually don’t get to see. Any suggestions about how to resolve this issue?

A- It sounds like you have done a commendable job creating a good workable co-parenting relationship which means there is more here at stake than just where your kids spend their holiday.

Even though your children are older, I would suggest not directly involving them in a discussion with Mom. First, including the children not only puts them in the middle, it also may leave your Ex feeling like you’ve stacked the deck. Ultimately involving the children sets her up to be the bad guy if she sticks to her guns regarding her holiday plans.

In turn, how will you feel if she returns the favor in the future by offering the children alternate plans when it’s your scheduled time with them? Even though the focus of the decision should be the kids, they won’t benefit from being caught between the two of you.

In terms of addressing the holiday conflict with your Ex, you may want to consider focusing on your successes first. Think about setting aside a time to meet face to face (if that’s the best mode of communication between the two of you) and let her know how much you appreciate your parenting relationship. If you haven’t already, explain the circumstances and ask for her help in resolving the problem. Tell her you understand how important it is to her to maintain the holiday schedule and you don’t want to be disrespectful of her feelings. However, for the children’s sake, you’d really appreciate her help in coming up with some creative options that would offer the children an opportunity to have some time with family members they don’t see often. Ask if she has any ideas about how the two of you could work together to resolve the issue. Be sure to give her time to share her thoughts and perspective.

Before meeting you may want to brainstorm a few creative ideas of your own in case your Ex comes up empty handed. Focus on finding middle ground. Would it be possible to have them the day before or the day after? Is there another way you could compromise by giving her additional time on another holiday or important event? Can you spend time with the children after her family celebration? You may also want to mention that as the children get older, you both will have to become more flexible because your children will be making plans of their own.

If for some reason she’s adamant about sticking to the holiday schedule, take a higher road and don’t hang her out to dry with your kids. Remember you can still create some special memories for your kids even if they’re not with you for the holiday. Consider making a video and interviewing family members or ask relatives to tell family stories you can share with kids at a later date.

During summer months, temperatures aren’t the only things rising. For separated and divorced parents anxiety levels can easily reach an all-time high, as summer rolls around and parenting roles get switched-up.

Of course, parents aren’t the only ones fretting. Summer can also be hugely stressful for kids as they move between households.  Even when circumstances are amiable and cooperative, just the change from school schedule to summer routine can set kids on edge.

To help kids enjoy their time with each parent, here are some tips for making the summer switch-up successful for everyone.

 Help kids have a successful experience

Do your best to help build kid’s excitement about their summer getaway with the other parent.  Spend time talking it up, making a summer calendar or maybe brainstorming ideas about ways to make it special.

Consider things like:

-   Buying a disposable camera and a small photo album so your kids can make a memory book of their summer with the other parent.

-   Encouraging children to journal or keep a diary about summer events and activities.

-   Creating a summer collection box so kids can collect special trinkets or items to remind them of things they did (for example, a special shell from a trip at the beach or program from a summer concert they attended)

-   Packing special items from your home that children can use and enjoy while at the other household.  (P.S. If your child’s something special is something major, like a gaming system or a new puppy, be a considerate co-parent and talk to your Ex first before packing it up.)

Be creative about staying connected

Kids love mail. Instead of relying exclusively on modern day technology (i.e. phone calls, text, Skype or emails) consider writing your children letters or sending small care packages.  Not only is it a great way connect but also it offers a fantastic opportunity to   get your kids writing. The other added plus… some very special memories for both of you.

Respect each other’s time

Although you may miss your kids terribly, remember to be respectful of the other parent’s time and take a balanced approach when contacting kids over the summer. Since every situation is different, it’s best to gauge frequency and time of day on your                   children’s need and ages. Young children may need regular phone calls while a teen feels perfectly comfortable with texting.  Whenever possible use good co-parenting etiquette and consult your ex to find out what will work best with their summer                 schedule.

In the beginning stages you may have very strong feelings about the divorce and each other.  When those feelings are overwhelming, avoid the temptation to share your perspective about the divorce or the other parent with your children. Remember children literally view themselves as half Mom and half Dad. Keep in mind your children deserves the opportunity to have a positive supportive and loving relationship with both of their parents.

While your relationship with your partner or spouse has ended, your role as Mom and Dad has not. For many parents, it is helpful especially in the early stages of separation or divorce, to handle issues with a business-like attitude. Avoid conversations that address old issues, personal information or encourage conflict. If you are having difficulty separating your emotions from the situation or person, ask yourself how you would handle a similar situation with a fellow co-worker. Sometimes it may be helpful to think about how you would want the situation handled if the roles were reversed.

Change your expectations
Following divorce, some parents try to control one another by resorting to manipulation, confrontation and bad mouthing. Don’t put energy into trying to control your ex or the situation. The most you can do is be the best parent you can be and strive to influence your children in a nurturing, supportive way.

Address the issues
Find some way to address your issues related to the divorce instead of hanging onto the anger and hurt. Dealing with your own feelings will also help you to be less reactive when issues arise involving your children or your ex. Remember, moving forward is important for both you and your children. If you are having difficulty doing so, find some help.

Address the other parent in a respectful manner
While you may not have a tremendous amount of respect for your ex-spouse as a person, you can talk with them respectfully as the parent of your children. When discussing issues or addressing disagreements, avoid making personal attacks including statements that judge, criticize or assign blame to one another. 

Practice restraint and avoid reacting when angry
Try to listen to each other’s opinions and ideas before responding. If something said by the other parent stirs up strong feelings, try not to act on your immediate reaction. If necessary, ask to table the discussion and give yourself time to think things over.             

Give the other parent notice regarding issues.
Rather than springing an issue or discussion on the other parent, it may be more helpful to let them know beforehand that you want to discuss something using a short voicemail or email.  Whether contact is made by telephone or in person, before launching into a discussion consider asking, “Is this a good time to talk?” If not, ask to schedule a time that is mutually convenient.

Avoid using pick up or drop off times to discuss issues with the other parent.
While it may seem more convenient to discuss arrangements while exchanging the children, pick up and drop off times are often emotionally charged for both children and parents. If you have something you need to share or discuss, it may be best to make a phone call, write a short letter to hand to the other parent or ask to schedule a time when you can talk with them. If meeting face-to-face is necessary, consider holding discussions in a neutral setting. Meeting in a public place can sometimes be more productive for parents than sitting at the kitchen table. Places like a local coffee shop or restaurant may also reduce the likelihood that things will get heated or out of hand.

Do not have heated arguments or discussions in front of your children
Parent conflict is one of the most damaging aspects of divorce for children. Therefore, do not involve your children in an argument between the two of you. Also consider the best times to arrange telephone conversations with the other parent and make sure children will not be able to listen in.

Follow up all agreements or details of conversations in writing.
If you and the other parent have made a change in plans or come to an agreement involving the children, follow it up in writing. It is not uncommon for parents to walk away with different understandings of what was said or agreed. Written follow up will help minimize misunderstandings. 

Q - I’m a single parent of two young children. In addition to caring for them, I also work a very demanding job. Between work, handling the household, supervising homework and  after school activities  I’m completely exhausted. By the end of the day, I feel grouchy or short tempered then the guilt kicks in. I’m tired of going through the motions,  I want to be more patient and have time to enjoy my kids but feel caught in a vicious cycle.  Please help!

A - Without a doubt, parenting on your own is tough even under the best of circumstances. As a solo parent it’s not hard to fall into the trap of letting your own needs take a back seat while you put all your energy into doing more for your kids.  Although your gut may be telling you to put your kids first, when you neglect your own needs, the quality of your parenting suffers. Practicing self-care is the cornerstone of good parenting, especially when the majority of your time is spent being the primary parent for your children.

Instead of feeling guilty about being grouchy and short tempered, consider investing about 20 to 30 minutes over the next day or so to creating a plan that supports taking care of yourself. 

Here are a few tips that might help you out.

 - Create routine for yourself and stick to it.

Most parents are surprised to learn that kids aren’t the only ones who need structure. Truth is parents also function much better when routines and structure are in place. 

Set aside time each week to create a weekly schedule for your household. Keep in mind it’s important that you write it down and post it somewhere you and your kids will see it often. Not only does it help you stay on track, it also gives you a way to do a daily check in.

Be sure to list the “must do’s” such as school activities, work commitments, trips to the grocery store or family appointments. When possible try to combine activities and streamline tasks. Then take a look at where you have pockets of time and how you want to use them.

Also consider developing morning and evening routines with your children to make getting ready for school and going to bed smoother transitions.

 -Make time for you.

In the beginning stages, start small.  Schedule at least 20 minutes every day to do something just for you.   Maybe you put the kids to bed early one night so you can read the paper to catch up on the news or watch a favorite television show. You could also leave the office for lunch and meet up with a friend or hire a babysitter to watch the kids while you work out at the gym.  Make putting energy back into you a priority.

-Develop a network and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

As a solo parent, asking for help and creating supportive network are essential. In addition to having people in your life who are emotionally supportive make sure to put time into building a good community network for yourself. 

When looking over your weekly schedule think about what are your biggest stressors and where you need more support. Whether it’s having a babysitter you can trust, someone to clean your house or a reliable accountant.  Seek out people who offer services that can make life a little bit easier when you are feeling overwhelmed. 

Keep in mind that creating support could also involve your kids. Think about making a family chore chart and delegating age appropriate tasks to your kids.  Not only will it free up some time for you but your children also learn the value of pitching in and gain some important life skills.

- Readjust your priorities

Often readjusting your priorities can be a real sanity saver. When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed take a step back and ask yourself, “What needs my immediate attention and what can wait?” Chances are there’s something you can let go of for the moment.  For example, let’s say you need to pay the bills, mow the lawn and have several loads of laundry that need to be done.  Instead of staying up until midnight to get everything done consider washing and drying one load, let the grass grow for a few more days and spend your energy on paying the bills.

After all, in the grand scheme of things what will matter most? That you raised healthy well-adjusted kids or that the lawn was always perfectly mowed?

Q - I have been divorced for several years. My teenage son thinks his father can do no wrong. I’m always the bad guy. My Ex doesn’t pay child support, doesn’t keep promises to our son and has a history of  disappearing without warning for long periods of time.  Now he’s back. I know my son loves his Dad, which is why I’m trying hard to be supportive.  My son never gets angry with my Ex anger but argues with me constantly. I’m so tired of being the one who lays down the law. Yesterday, my son told me he’d rather live with his Dad because they never fight. I feel heart broken what do I do?                                                                                                       

A - First, I applaud you for taking the “higher road” and putting your son’s needs first. It’s tough to support of a child’s relationship with a parent who isn’t doing their part. 

Parenting teens is never an easy job. When divorce is part of the picture, it becomes even more challenging.  In your situation, it sounds like there are several issues going on.  Since your Ex hasn’t been a consistent or dependable figure in your son’s life, your son may be worried that if he’s rocks the boat with Dad, it may mean losing Dad permanently.  It’s also very normal for a 14-year-old boy to want to have more time with his Dad, which may make your son’s need to have Dad in his life more intense.

While it’s no fun to deal with an angry teen, if your son is getting angry with you, chances it’s because he feels safe with you. Your son knows no matter what, you’re not going to stop loving him. He knows he can depend on you to be around even when he’s mad. Although it doesn’t make it easier, take heart you’re doing your job as a parent.

Most important, when you’re having a disagreement, talking about where your son lives is not a good idea. If your son knows it’s a touchy subject with you, he may bring it up as a way to sidetrack you or get you to back off a little.  In the future, if he brings up living with Dad when he’s angry, do your best not to react. Let him know if he’s interested in talking about changing the arrangements you’ll be happy to talk about it once he’s cooled off. However, it’s not something you will discuss when you’re having a disagreement or upset with one another.

Lastly, make sure you offset the problems with positive one on one time.  Consider calling a truce and put energy into  finding some common ground. Make time to go see a movie together, take a road trip or do something you both enjoy. It’d been said relationships are like bank accounts. Be sure you’re making some deposits with your son, not just withdrawals.

Q – I am planning to re-marry this year. I have two sons ages 8 and 10.  My fiancé is a really good man but he finds it stressful when the kids make a mess or leave their stuff out.   He also feels like my Ex doesn’t help the situation. When my kids spend time with their Dad it’s all fun and games, no rules and lots of gifts. In my house there are limits and rules.  How do we handle it when the kids tell us Dad’s house is more fun?  I know the boys love me and fiancé but I really could use some advice.

A – First, you’re wise to be thinking now about how parenting issues may impact your new marriage.  While there is very little you can do to change the choices your children’s father makes, there are things you and your fiancé can do to alleviate the tension in your household. 
To make sure your fiancé frustrations don’t continue to build, I’d suggest that the two of you spend time talking about parenting issues and discuss how you are going to deal with them together.  While I wouldn’t recommend that your finace jump right into the drivers seat regarding discipline, you both definitely need to be on the same page.   As you may already know, second marriages endure more stressors. As a result, they are also at  greater risk for ending in divorce. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 60 to 67% of couples don’t make it the second time around .  However, that doesn’t mean second marriages are doomed for failure.  Blended families and second marriages can be very rewarding, but it takes commitment, patience and good communication. Therefore, dealing with some of the challenges up front can save you both  a lot of heartache and headache down the road.

In regards to the issue of differences between homes, I recommend that you acknowledge things that are “different” with a very matter of fact attitude.  For example, lets say your kids told you that Grandma doesn’t make them eat their vegetables and instead she gives them extra chocolate pudding for dessert. While you may not be thrilled with what Grandma does,  chances are you’d tell your kids “Yep, going to Grandma’s is lots of fun, here we do things differently. Now eat your green beans.”

When kids bring up issues regarding the rules, privileges or activities in their other home, do your best to keep your cool and not overreact. It’s definitely okay to let kids know what happens in Dad’s house is Dad’s choice and you’re glad they enjoy their time with him.  In your home, the rules are different. Instead of judging, criticizing or analyzing what the other parent does (or doesn’t do), be very clear and consistent with your children about what happens in your home.  Keep in mind, all  kids at one time or another will test limits.  When parents split up, children may see that as an opportunity to play one parent off of the other.  

By the way, remember to be gentle with yourself.   The benefits of being a Disneyland parent are short lived.  In the long run, children will remember you for how you loved them, not for what you bought them.  I would recommend avoiding that pitfall by concentrating on spending quality time (not money) with your children. 

“How can we tell our children about our decision while safeguarding our individual relationships and  minimizing tension?”

What and how children are told about your decision to separate or divorce is critical. Not only will it shape how your children experience your separation but it will also set the stage for future your relationship as parents.

Children need to:

• Be informed about how life will change (where will they live, when will they see Mom, when will they see Dad, will they still attend the same school, etc.) and what will stay the same.
• Understand separation is an adult decision and that they are not to blame.
• Receive reassurance that parents will continue to love them and remain involved in their lives.
• Know they can talk ask questions and talk about their feelings.

What can you do?

Prepare: 

• Discuss with the other parent about what will be said to your children.
• Identify what issues will be most important to your children.
• Agree on what will be said, who will say it and how you will provide children with a similar message.
• Think through how you will manage your feelings when talking with children.

“How do we do this in a way that supports our children and reassures them that we are going to be okay?”

Children need

• Time to adjust to the idea that their family is changing.
• To be prepared for significant changes (i.e. a parent moving, how time is spent between households etc.)
• Consistent ongoing contact with each parent.
• An understanding of how life will change and what will stay the same.

What can you do?

• As best you can, work cooperatively to plan transitions such as separating homes.
• Avoid making sudden or rash decisions.
• Separate your needs and feelings about changes from children’s needs.
• Connect with supports outside of the family to help you gain perspective and sort through your issues regarding how life has changed.

“Although our relationship has changed, our children’s needs have not. How will we be successful parents?”

Children need

• Structure and consistency in their day-to-day lives.
• To be shielded from adult feelings, decisions and issues.
• Ability to love each parent without feeling guilty or disloyal.
• The opportunity to enjoy special occasions, accomplishment and events without being encumbered by parental tension.

What can you do?

• Identify common values, hopes and goals for children now and in the future.
• Think through what you want your future parenting relationship to look like?
• Ask yourself when your children look back on this event what will make them proud about how you handled your separation and divorce?
• When difference arise seek common ground and if necessary be willing to agree to disagree.

“Regardless of how time is spent, what can we do to help our children feel a sense of belonging in each home?”

Children need

• To be a connected and active part of each household.
• For their opinions and feeling to be considered about how time is spent yet parents remain decision makers.
• To know that divorce does not end a family, it changes it.

What can you do?

• Make the time you have with children count. Remember quantity does not equal quality.
• Focus on the relationship you have with children instead of brokering time between homes.
• Develop arrangements that are based on the needs of your children instead of court based guidelines

“For the sake of our children, how do we talk about this change with our families and friends in a way that preserves dignity and respect ?”

Children need

• To maintain a strong and positive connection to both parents and extended family members.
• The ability to feel proud of both parts of their families.
• To be shielded from bitterness, blame and adult issues.
• Protection from negative perspectives  and feelings held by relatives and friends towards a parent.

What can you do?

• Take responsibility for your part in things not working and do your best to offer children a balanced perspective about the situation.
• Avoid putting children in the position of having to choose between Mom and Dad.
• When necessary set boundaries with extended family members or friends.
• Create a non-blaming story about the divorce or split to share with others that is respectful to your children.

“ Given that divorce is a life long process, how will we work out what’s best for our children now and in the future.”

Children need

• Protection from conflict and the consequences of disagreements.
• Flexible arrangements that support an active and healthy relationship with each parent.
• Ongoing opportunities to thrive and be successful.
• The ability to have an unrestricted relationship with both parents.

What can you do?

• Support the other parent as an active and involved presence in children’s lives.
• Establish arrangements that are not only child focused but stand the test of time.
• Design schedules and agreements that promote parenting as a shared responsibility.
• Avoid defaulting to court based ideas and language. Instead adopt an approach that promotes positive co-parenting.
• Create a plan  and method for handling future disagreements that will shield children from tension.

“How will we handle future changes?”

Children need

• Flexible arrangements that will grow and change with them over time.
• Ongoing support from both parents in handling future changes and the foundation of a strong sense of the family.
• Parents to remain committed to actively communicating with one another as children grow.

What can you do?

Anticipate and prepare:

• Spend time discussing possible future changes and how you will address them.
• Consider what life will look like for your children five or ten years from now.
• Jointly identify what your hopes and dreams are for your children.  As your independent lives change and evolve, how will each of you play a role in ensuring your children’s ongoing needs are met?

“What do you want the quality of your children’s lives to be like in each household?”

Children need

• To know that life will be okay.
• Reassurance that both parents will continue to provide for them.
• An understanding of how life will change in other areas.
• To be shielded from adult issues, concerns and responsibilities.

What can you do?

• Work with the other parent to arrive at arrangements that allow your children to have a “worry free” environment in each home.
• Approach other areas  and future negotiations with a child-centered perspective.
• Avoid a winner/loser mentality seek solutions that offer win–win situation.
• Be willing to compromise.

In an ideal world, as a couple with children you work together to juggle the day-to-day needs of your kids.  Getting homework done, monitoring how long they surf the web, shuffling them to appointments and football practices, all the while making sure they’re loved, fed, bathed and relatively safe.  That’s the stuff parenting is made of, isn’t it? However, when you divorce many of those parenting responsibilities you once collectively shared quickly become the subject of scrutiny.

Unfortunately along with dividing up what we owe and what we own, we inadvertently throw child rearing into the mix. In the midst of our anger and hurt, we mistakenly assume that because we are separating lives we should also separate parenting responsibilities.

It’s a common problem many parents face.  After all, who wants to think about parenting with someone you don’t want to be married to anymore. In my coaching practice I’ve seen this dynamic play out lots of different ways. Sometimes it involves one parent cutting the other out of the loop and taking charge of all the parenting responsibilities. Their reasoning, “I’ve always done everything why should anything change now?” The end result, however, is usually one very tired, resentful and overwhelmed parent. Meanwhile the other parent, who feels undervalued, overcompensates by becoming the “good time” parent. 

In other cases, one parent may be open to sharing parenting responsibilities but the other has a “my way or the highway” attitude and so the struggle for absolute control ensues.  I’ve also seen situations where one parent just gives up all together and never plays an active role in their children’s lives. Of course, the kids end up losing the most when this happens. 

While it is by no means an easy transition, if the ultimate goal is to raise well-adjusted children we need to find someway to dig deep and stay focused on one another’s parenting strengths instead of capitalizing on each other’s deficits. 

So how do you get from here to there? 

Give each other and yourself time to adjust
Realize that right out the gate, things may not be easy or ideal.  Each of you may need some time to let the dust settle. In the early stages do your best to engage in good co-parenting etiquette.  Regardless of how the other parent acts, whenever possible share information, include them in important decisions and support their role in your children’s lives.

Be willing to develop new skills
In your marriage you may have become used to parenting a certain way. Now that you’re parenting differently, you will need to become more adaptable. Perhaps you once relied on the other parent to lead the charge when it came to communicating with your children’s school, now it’s time for you to pick up the ball.  On the flip side, if you’ve been the parent who is used to taking control of the helm, you may need to work on stepping back and giving your ex a chance to step up.

Don’t get hung up on how many hours you clock in
When developing a parenting schedule and sharing responsibilities, keep in mind it isn’t about who is the better parent but rather what’s best for your kids.  Instead of negotiating your child’s day-to-day life away, consider taking an objective look at what life was like before you separated.  Ask yourself, what about your child’s life needs to stay the same and what needs to change?

Use a two home concept
Regardless of how time or parenting responsibilities are shared, children benefit most when they feel a sense of connection and belonging with each parent.  Actively support that connection by referring to each household as a home (i.e. your home with Mom and your home with Dad)

Be open to change
What works today may not work tomorrow.  While providing consistency is important, be open to the value of flexibility.  As children grow and change often arrangements will need to change with them. 

Looking for more practical tips and strategies?

Check out  PARENTING APART – the book. Offering separated and divorced parents the tools they need to raise HAPPY and SECURE kids.

As an app subscriber, get your free complimentary sample chapter here.

Research indicates that when stress levels are high, our sense of well-being and overall functioning take serious nose dive. We’re more prone to forget things, make rash decisions, act out of character, be short-tempered, irritable or emotionally distant. Along with that logic and reason usually go right out the window too. Our individual well-being and functioning aren’t’ the only things that take a hit, so does our parenting.

In short, when you are feeling maxed out to the limit, you’re simply not at your parenting best.   Neglect your self care doesn’t just put you at risk it can also create serious complications for your kids. Think about it…they’re depending on you to get them through this. How can they believe life is going to be okay if you’re not? 

To avoid wading in the shallow end of the self care pool – here are a few tips to help you get it together.

Take care of your basic needs first.

Make time to eat at regular intervals, get a good nights sleep and exercise. Even though it can be hard to make your self care a priority, it is absolutely necessary that you do. We all parent differently when we are stressed and sleep deprived, than when we are well rested and feeling grounded.

Seek out support for you and your children.

While supporting one another is an important aspect of being a family, children and parents should never be each other’s only support system. Both you and your children will need other outlets as you go through the process of redefining your lives. Make sure you have other adults to talk to and that you are occasionally engaging in activities that you enjoy. For kids, do your best to keep them connected with positive extra curricular activities, support existing friendships and help them identify other safe adults they can talk to besides Mom and Dad.

Pay attention to what’s stressing you out and make adjustments.

Researchers support the idea that not all stress is bad. In actuality, managed stress can actually add to the excitement of life, while stress left un-managed can lead to a myriad of emotional and physical problems. Make a list of your top five stressors and think through how you might be able to better manage them. For things you may not be able to change,  give yourself an attitude adjustment. Remember stressing out leaves you less capable whereas giving yourself some emotional space to deal with things leads to better decisions.

Make time to positively connect with your children.

Find at least 20 to 30 minutes a day to enjoy being with your children (quality one on one time, not multitasking time). For most of us, it is easy to get overwhelmed with keeping track of schedules, doing homework and taking care of everyday chores.  Propelling ourselves from task to task often cause us to lose track of what matters most–enjoying time with our children.

When life is stressful, redirect your energy and focus on spending more time engaging with your kids in a meaningful way. Balancing life with pockets of quality time often makes it a little bit easier to get through the challenging times. Consider ending the evening with reading a book together, taking a walk around the block, coloring with your children or playing a short game.

Take time to enjoy life, even if it is only FIVE minutes at a time.

As parents we all get bogged down in the idea that we just don’t have enough time especially when we are stressed. However, accessing small simple pleasures throughout the day can make a big difference in your attitude.

Things you can do…

                                    Listen to your favorite music in the car

                                    Schedule 10 minutes in your calendar to call a friend

                                    Take a walk at a local park on your lunch hour

                                    Get up 15 to 30 minutes earlier than your children and enjoy some quiet time.

                                    Put children to bed 30 minutes early and read a good book

                                    Get a massage

                                    Exercise

                                    Schedule a date with yourself to do something you enjoy

                                    Spend 20 minutes just thinking about something you would like to do in the future

As a divorce coach, I’ve seen lots of parents radically transform themselves when their relationships begin to unravel. While embracing change and using it as catalyst for redesigning your life, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Hopping on the life makeover train without bothering to look at where you’re headed isn’t the answer either. 

Choosing to share your life with someone undoubtedly changes you.  It permeates your sense of self, who you are and what you value. Your way of life is no longer exclusively defined by your own hopes and dreams, desires and choices. In short, your me becomes a we.  When a relationship ends it’s only natural to feel a gap.  A space has emerged that wasn’t there before.

Shifting back into me-ness is no easy task. It feels foreign, uncomfortable and scary. My advice, don’t ignore the gap. Accept it for what it is and use it as an opportunity to grow.  While the impulse to change everything all at once may seem enticing, there are some benefits to taking a more thoughtful approach.

To get started, consider taking stock of where you are and where you want be.

Ask yourself

* Where in my life do I need to put energy into feeling whole again?

* What has this relationship taught me about myself?

* How would I like life to be different?

* What do I value and what would it take to design a life that reflects those values?

* What in my life am I ready to let go of?

* Are there compromises I’ve made in the past that hold opportunities for me now?

American writer, Irene Peter once said, “Just because everything is different doesn’t mean anything has changed.”  To ensure your change is long lasting, instead of a quick fix, avoid taking rash or impulsive action. Think through decisions, especially about significant matters. While it may not be easy, do your best to honor what the emptiness has to offer and give yourself time to evaluate what you want your future to look like from this point forward.

**For additional information, suggested resources and practical tips on taking care of you, check out  PARENTING APART the book.  Providing separated and divorced parents the tools they need to raise HAPPY and SECURE kids. To get a feel for what PARENTING APART has to offer, preview a complimentary sample chapter. We think you’ll like what you read.

If this is your first summer, here are a few tips to help you move past the dread.

Use time away from your children to recharge

Unfortunately too many parents treat kid free time more like a dirty little secret than an opportunity to recharge. If you haven’t already, do yourself a favor and bypass the guilt. It’s actually okay to enjoy a break from being Mom or Dad 24/7. To avoid squandering your well-deserved time off, plan ahead and consider how you can constructively use your time apart.

To get started take 10 minutes to jot down a list of things you’d normally consider self-indulgent. You can also include things you’ve wanted to get done but haven’t gotten around to yet.

Coming up short on ideas?  Ask yourself.

-       When the last time you saw a movie you wanted to see?

-       What would it take to plan a weekend getaway with friends? 

-       Is there a hobby or new experience you’ve wanted to try?

-       What’s something you did in the past or “pre-kids” that you might like to do again?         

Instead of keeping quiet, feel free to share your summer plans with kids. Not only does it model good self care but it also reinforces that you feel good about them spending time with the other parent. It also send a clear message that enjoying time apart is okay.

Keep your anxiety in check

Kids are extremely sensitive to parental stress so make sure your children’s QT with the other parent isn’t tainted with worry. No matter how sad or apprehensive you feel, remember, you are the parent. Do your best to responsibly manage your feelings and not leave children wondering if you’re going to be okay while they’re gone. If necessary, get support from trusted friend or family member to help you sort things out. 

It’s perfectly okay to tell your children you love them and that you will miss them. However, don’t forget to reassure them that time with the other parent is important and that you want them to enjoy it.

While the thought of being away from your kids can feel incredibly overwhelming, don’t forget that absence makes the heart grow fonder. When time apart is constructive it can deepen everyone’s appreciation for the important people in their lives.

Figuring out how to take care of children after you separate is perhaps one of the most stressful aspects of divorce. However, when decisions about your children’s future get handed over to the legal system, without a doubt children suffer. In order to stay in control of how life changes for your children, avoid using a cookie cutter approach when planning how children will spend time with each parent.

Do your best to work cooperatively by staying in charge of the process and basing decisions around your CHILDREN’S needs. More importantly, bypass court based models which usually offer short-term solutions that don’t address the long-term realities of  family life.

To get started on developing arrangements, give thought to what life was like for your kids BEFORE the divorce. Ask yourself, how will you maintain your children’s active relationship with both parents? How will you provide them with flexible structure?

For example, if Dad took Billy to baseball practice every Tuesday and Thursday then he should continue doing that. If Mom picks up the kids every afternoon because Dad works till 6 o’clock, do your best to maintain those routines and connections for your kids.

It may also help to put things into perspective and take a look at the big picture. How will the choices you are making today effect your children’s lives one year from now, five years from now?

Bottom line: Be willing to think outside the box. Don’t limit your options to court based solutions
,

Along with arranging how time will be spent, help your children feel connected to BOTH homes. Don’t talk about one home as their “real” home and the other household as a place to visit. If you can’t provide your children with their own room then create a special space where they can keep their things and find them when they’re with you.

It’s also important to avoid using legalese. Ditch words like visit, visitation, custody, possession, residential parent, non-residential parent etc. Instead talk about time with Mom, time with Dad, Mom’s house, Dad’s house. When discussing arrangements use phrases like parenting schedules or parenting time.

The key to successfully parenting children post divorce is developing a relationship with your Ex that places CHILDREN as the TOP priority. That means having good communication skills and the ability to be flexible with one another,

**For more practical tips and success strategies, check out PARENTING APART, the book.  Providing separated and divorced parents the tools they need to raise HAPPY and SECURE kids. As a subscriber, feel free to preview a complimentary sample chapter of PARENTING APART or take a look the table of contents to see what it has to offer.

Q – We’re beginning the divorce process.  Right now we can’t afford two households so we’ve agreed to stay in our current home until our financial situation improves. As long as we are not arguing in front of the kids and act as we have been (there’s been very little affection between us), do you think staying in the house together will hurt the children?

A - While there can be some benefits to staying in the house together, there are a couple of things I would encourage you to think about.  First, because you and your husband have a cooperative relationship your kids may really struggle with the necessity of divorce. To their way of thinking, if you can continue to live together and get along then why can’t you just stay married? Living under one roof could also delay their ability to accept your decision as they may hang onto the hope that things aren’t really changing.  

In an effort to help your children adjust to the divorce while living in one home you may want to implement some of the following suggestions.

Be clear about the reasons you are staying in one home.
In an age appropriate way share with children why you have made this decision. You might say something like, “Although our feelings for each other have changed, our commitment to each of you has not. We both feel the best option right now is to stay in one home until we can afford to provide two separate homes.  We know that staying in one home may feel confusing or make it harder to accept that things have changed. We want you to know it’s okay to ask questions or talk to us about how you feel.”
                 
Keep tensions minimized.
No matter how amiable your current situation is, as you proceed with the divorce, it’s likely that strong feelings will get stirred up.  Some of those feelings may arise unexpectedly and catch you off guard. When this happens issues between you and your husband could unravel fast and getting the space you need to deal with those feelings can be more challenging.  

To avoid this pitfall, I’d suggest setting aside some time to discuss how you will plan for those moments. Talking ahead of time about how to handle future bumps in the road will help you to do a better job of shielding your children from potential conflicts.

Avoid bunking up with kids.
When financial resources are limited parents may need to be creative about sleeping arrangements.  If you don’t have enough space to set up separate bedrooms for each of you, avoid bunking in with the kids. While it may be a workable short-term option, it isn’t a very good long-term solution.  More often than not, it opens the door to children becoming overexposed to adult feelings or issues, blurs emotional boundaries and increase children’s anxiety.  Further children may become used to sharing a bedroom with you, making it more difficult to get them to sleep on their own rooms later on.   A better alternative would be to have children temporarily share a room with one another so both parents can have their own space.

Transition how you spend time with the children.
Instead of waiting until you are able to separate residences, consider working out a parenting schedule you can implement now that allows each of you to spend individual time with children.  For example, Tuesday and Wednesday could be Mom’s nights while Thursday and Friday are allocated to Dad.  Experimenting with different schedules while you are both in the same home may help you figure out what will work best for your kids down the road.

Q - I live in a tight knit neighborhood.  A few months ago my husband and I separated.  I feel so awkward when I run into people we know.  I can tell some of our neighbors and friends are curious about what has happened. Part of me just wants to get it all out and blab about how awful things were, while the other part of me thinks I should keep to myself and be quiet.  

A - While some neighbors may be clamoring for details about your divorce, remember you’re not just giving information about your life, but your children’s lives as well.  In the early stages when feelings are strong usually saying less is best. You can always decide to say more later. However, you can never take back what you have already said. 

Although it can be difficult, maintain your integrity and be discreet about the information you share with others so children are protected from second hand details and neighborhood gossip.

To help you get past the awkward moments consider developing an “elevator speech.”  To get started, craft a simple one to two sentence generic response.  When people ask what happened or seem curious, you could say something like…  “I appreciate  your concern, right now I’m still sorting through it all myself. Because I don’t want to do anything that will compromise the kids, I’ve decided not to talk publicly about our situation right now. Thanks for understanding”

Being discreet however, doesn’t mean you have to go it alone, just choose wisely. Sharing your feelings and getting support is healthy. Having a lengthy discussion with the check out clerk at your local supermarket about how your ex did you wrong, is not. If you need to talk, seek out a trusted friend who will listen without fueling the fire or a professional ( life coach, therapist or counselor) who can help you sort through your feelings and weigh out options.

Once you and your spouse have decided with certainty that you are going to separate or divorce, it’s time to start planning how you will tell your children. Although there may never be an ideal time, do your best to pick a day and time that provides your children with some space to process the news. For example, if your split falls during the school year, you may want to tell children on a Friday afternoon and keep the calendar clear for the rest of the weekend.  Most children will need time to digest what they have heard and will need to have a series of follow up talks to ask questions or discuss how they feel.  

Also it is helpful if children can have access to both parents for the next couple of days after you tell them about your decision.  Therefore, if one of you is moving out make sure you’re not dropping the bomb and then heading out the door.  If the tension is high between the two of you and staying in the house isn’t an option then you may need to approach things differently. Arrange for kids to have significant blocks of time with each of you. It will be important during this time to reassure them with words and actions that you will both still be involved in their lives.

For initial first conversations, don’t overwhelm your children with information; keep the discussion straightforward and age-appropriate. Focus on addressing the fact that you are separating or getting a divorce and how life will change for now.

Here are some guidelines for you to consider regarding your first conversation with children.

Think through how you will manage your feelings   

As you go through this process, you will probably experience a wide range of emotions. In the early stages, feelings of sadness and anger about splitting up are usually at their strongest. To minimize the impact for your children, think through your own issues and how you will manage them in front of your children. 

Let children know how life will change

Give specific details and address major concerns for children such as:

• When and how they will see each parent
• Where they will live and go to school
• How they will spend time with important family members
• How life will be different

If children have questions you are not prepared to answer, let them know that Mom and Dad are still working out the details. Reassure them that as soon as you have an answer, they will be the first to know.

Tell children they are not to blame

While it may seem hard to believe, it is quite natural for children to feel responsible when parents choose to split up. Make sure your children understand that your decision to divorce had nothing to do with them or their behavior. Additionally, children need to know there is nothing they can do to change what is happening in the family. Also, reinforce the point that it is not their responsibility to try and make things better between Mom and Dad.

Make sure children know they can ask questions and talk about how they feel

Let children know you understand this will be a difficult change for them. They also need to hear that while things are changing in the family, they will probably have many different feelings. Assure them that it is okay to ask questions or talk with either parent whenever they wish.

It is likely that your children will have additional questions after your first talk and need follow-up conversations. Follow up talks do not have to be formal or structured. You may find children are open to talking during transition times such as bedtime, meal time or while engaged in other activities.

Ideally, it’s best if both parents can talk with children together. However, this is only recommended if you and the other parent are able to responsibly manage both your feelings and your opinions about the divorce. In some divorce situations, parents may not agree about why things didn’t work out or be in different stages of the emotional process. If talking with children together is ultimately going to create more tension, have separate discussions. 

Whether you talk to children together or individually, children benefit from hearing similar messages from both Mom and Dad. Try to keep explanations simple and avoid placing blame. Use general statements such as:

“We’ve decided we can’t live together anymore.”

“We feel like we would be happier living in different homes.”

“We have grown apart”

“We want you to know this was not an easy decision to make.  We have discovered that over the years our feeling have changed.”

“ When we got married we thought we shared the same ideas about life.  However, over time things have  changed  for us and we now realize that we want different things.”

Nobody knows your children better than you. Use your best judgment when it comes to deciding whether you should talk with kids separately or all together.  Important factors to weigh out are:

• Personality of the children
• Significant difference in ages
• Emotional resilience (child’s ability to manage his or her emotions)
• Children’s individual needs

Take into consideration that children in the same family often manage their feelings about divorce in very different ways. Some children may react with intense anger while others may feel profoundly sad.  It’s also possible that you may have a child who doesn’t react at all or one that refuses to talk about it. Also the amount of time each child will need to process the news you have shared will vary.

Even if you decide to have individual discussions with each child, make time to also have a family meeting after each child has been told about your decision.  This will give you an opportunity to revisit what has been said, to reinforce it’s okay to discuss it openly and everyone is hearing the same information, offer reassurance to all the children together and to provide them with information about how life will change.

“Besides telling them we are getting a divorce what else do my kids need to hear?”

Key messages your children need to hear from Mom and Dad.
Below are some examples of things children need to hear:

• While the feelings we have for each other have changed, we will never stop loving you.
• We know this will be hard for you and we are sorry.
• You can always love both Mom and Dad.
• Everyone in the family will have different feelings about the divorce.  We want you to know your feelings don’t have to be the same as ours. If Mom and Dad become unhappy with each other, it doesn’t mean you have to feel unhappy. If Mom is upset with Dad, you don’t have to be upset with Dad.  If Dad is angry with Mom, you don’t have to be angry with Mom. 
• What has happened between Mom and Dad is not your fault – you are not to blame.
• Divorce is a grownup problem between Mom and Dad that you cannot change
• We will always be your Mom and Dad.
• You will always have a family. Instead of being a family in one home, you will have a family with Dad and a family with Mom
• We will both continue to be a part of your life.

Keep in mind that it will take time for your children to come to grips with the idea that the family is changing. Accepting divorce is a process.  Gradually different questions, issues and thoughts about the divorce will come up for your children and as they do, it’s only natural for them to ask. 

Asking “why?” more than once also serves as a way for children to:

• Make sense of what has happened.
• Gradually move closer to accepting divorce as a reality.
• Affirm that this is a permanent decision that will not change.
• Resolve feelings of guilt or responsibility for what has happened between Mom and Dad.

On the flip side revisiting the issue of  “why?” offers parents the opportunity to:

• Reassure children that the love you have for them will never end.
• Remind them that divorce is an adult problem that they can’t fix or change.
• Let children know it’s okay to talk about what has happened and ask questions.

It’s important to understand that when children ask why repeatedly there may be another agenda lurking in the shadows.  Resist the temptation to provide them with more information and instead opt to dig a little deeper.  When your child raises the issue consider making a statement like, “It must be very hard to understand how things could change so much between two people” or “Sometimes when a divorce happens kids wonder if Mom and Dad could stop loving each other, what would it take for them to stop loving me. Have you ever worried about that?”  By posing a few open-ended questions you may discover other issues that have been weighing on your child’s mind.  

Of course, older children will rarely let you off the hook easily. For this age group you will probably never be able to completely satisfy their questions about why things didn’t work out.  For younger children the desire to understand “why” is often fueled by the hope that if they understand the problem then perhaps they can fix it.  With older children issues surrounding the fate of their future relationships may be hanging in the balance. More to the point, if things didn’t work out for Mom and Dad, how will they ever work out for me?  Teens also tend to be overly judgmental and view adult behavior with a critical eye.   Be aware that your teen may have a strong desire to place blame and lash out at the parent they feel is responsible for messing up their lives. 

Remember there are many things that happen when a marriage breaks down that children are not equipped to understand. When parents try to completely satisfy their children need to know they frequently end up giving kids more information than necessary or overexposing them to adult issues.  Instead of children feeling less anxious they tend to become more worried, unsure and distressed.. Even older children who have the intellectual ability to make sense of it all usually aren’t prepared to emotionally manage issues between Mom and Dad.

Sometimes due to our own hurt and pain, you or the other parent may feel strongly that children need to hear the truth. In some families, one parent may be very committed to assigning blame for the divorce. Holding one parent exclusively responsible for the divorce often creates a confusing and difficult situation for children. They will most likely feel very conflicted and worried about either betraying or rejecting a parent. Whether or not you initiated the divorce, do your best to view the situation through your child’s eyes. Children have a right to love both parents.

Consider there are two sides to every story and usually lots of differing opinions when divorce occurs.  No matter how well intentioned you might be, setting the record straight or telling your side of the story often puts children in a no-win situation.  To accept your truth by default they must reject their other parent.

When you have a strong urge to share your side of the story, consider asking yourself the following questions:

• How will sharing this information help my children?
• How might sharing this information hurt them?
• Does this information have the potential to compromise my children’s relationship with their other parent?
• Why is sharing this sharing this information with my children so important to me?
• How will sharing this information ultimately change my children’s lives?

Q - My husband and I have decided to divorce. To make things easier for the kids we are choosing to stay in one house until the end of the school year.   My husband thinks we shouldn’t tell the kids until we’re ready to move and they are out of school (another six months). Is it a good idea to wait?

A - First, I applaud you and your husband’s commitment to working together to keep life as stable as possible for your kids. While it’s important to be mindful of timing, I’d encourage you to rethink your current plan.

It’s been said that kids are excellent observers but not very good interpreters. Even though you and your husband are not fighting, chances are good that your children have already picked up on the unspoken tension. While you may think you’re making it easier by not saying anything, not knowing could be creating some anxiety for them. When parents choose to keep quiet about their decision, it puts kids in the position of having to figure things out on their own. This leaves children feeling confused, ill prepared to deal with their angst and more likely to misinterpret the situation. 

Not surprisingly, when parents don’t acknowledge the tension, kids tend to follow their lead. The end result – kids don’t talk about how they feel or ask questions.  Unfortunately parents misinterpret this and are under the impression that their children are unaware and unaffected.

While your goal is to shield them from the upset, be mindful when they discover you’ve started this process without telling them, they may feel very betrayed.  Ultimately it could compromise your credibility with your kids.

If you’ve made a firm commitment to ending the marriage, then I’d suggest sharing that information with your kids sooner rather than later. When you do tell your children make sure to let them know:

• This is a permanent decision.
• Your choice to split up has nothing to do with them or anything that they have done.
• You understand that continuing to live in one home may make it more difficult to understand why we’re getting a divorce.
• What will be different and what will stay the same.
• Even though you will be ending your marriage, you will always be Mom and Dad and your love for them will never change.

To give your children an emotional buffer, clear the family calendar and plan to talk with kids at the start of a weekend or over an extended school break. This will give your children space to process the news, ask questions and for you to have follow up discussions.  You can also help offset any anxiety they may have about talking with others by discussing ways they can share the news with friends and teachers. 

**For more tips on what to say check out some of the articles in this section.

Q – “My husband and I are separating. Is it okay to hide our plans from our preschooler until we are ready to move, or should we let her know what’s going on?”

A - If you already have a plan in place for separating, you need to bite the bullet and have a talk with your daughter. While you may be under the impression you’re being discreet, children often are very aware of tension between parents, even when they don’t understand what’s happening. 

Although it’s important to shield young children from adult worries, hiding your plans won’t help her.  Just as with any other major transition (like moving to a new school or day care center) she’ll need time to adjust. By keeping quiet you also run the risk of her misinterpreting the situation and assuming she’s to blame for problems between Mom and Dad.

To help you plan your first talk, here’s some beginning steps.

Before talking with your daughter plan what you want to say and how.
Ideally it’s best for kids when parents can deliver the news together.  However, that’s only a good idea if you both agree on what to say and are committed to keeping the conversation tension free.Be sure you’ve thought through how you are handle your emotions about the split in front of your daughter. She will be taking her cues from the two of you.

Keep explanations for your little one straightforward and simple.
Consider saying something like:

“Mom and Dad are getting a divorce.  That means that we won’t be a husband and a wife anymore but we will always be your Mom and Dad.
“Our family is changing. Mom and Dad are going to be living in two homes instead of one.”
 “Divorce is one way some families change, but you will always have a family with Mom and a family with Dad.

Address issues that will be important to your child such as:
When will I see Dad when will I see Mom?
Where will I live?
What else will change?
Will you ever stop loving me?
 
Prepare for a series of talks
Instead of one big talk, your young one will need to have a series of ongoing conversations and discussions.  Be sure to let them know it’s okay to talk about the divorce and ask questions.

While you are still in one home, do your best minimize conflict between the two of you.  If you have already agreed on a parenting schedule consider trying it out before you move into separate residences. This will give your daughter a chance to transition into spending time with each of you differently. Young children tend to associate concepts with things that are concrete and tangible. When appropriate involve her in the physical aspects of change (i.e. seeing a parent’s new home, talking about where her things will be in each home, having conversations about how things will look in each place.)

For more information on how to help your daughter, refer to Chapter 10 in Parenting Apart: How separated and divorced parents can raise happy and secure kids or check out the resource section of this app.

Q - “I’m recently divorced. Before the break up my child was potty trained now she is wetting again.  Is it because of the divorce? What do I do?

A - When children get stressed out and overwhelmed it’s not uncommon for them to take steps backwards developmentally. Maybe you just got Johnny to sleep without a night-light and now he’s totally freaked out whenever he has to go into a dark room. Shelly ditched the “binky” but now wants it back.  Eleven-year old William has taken to crawling in your lap and begging you to read the bedtime story that he adored when he was five.  When kids falter developmentally it’s often referred to as regression.

Simply put, regression is a coping mechanism. As a child’s level of anxiety increases, one way they may manage those feelings is by returning to a behavior that is associated with a time when things felt safe. From their perspective, if life was pretty good when I sucked my thumb perhaps if I start doing that again I’ll feel better.  It’s not a conscious choice but rather a reaction to the pressure or stress of big changes.

What do you do?

Take it in stride
When kids take steps backwards, there’s no reason to panic. Instead view it as your child’s way of letting you know they’re feeling insecure. 

Avoid disciplining
If no major rules are being broken, avoid disciplining or instilling consequences for the behavior.  Do your best to assure your child everyone has set backs from time to time.  Whatever you did to help your child accomplish this milestone the first time around go back and do it again.

Take note of other factors
It may also help to take note of what your child’s regression may be linked to. 

Things worth considering

• Is the regressed behavior connected to other events or specific times?  For example, does your child seems more anxious at bedtime or when transitioning between households?

• Is there significant tension between you and the other parent?

• Is your child adjusting to other significant changes in addition to the divorce? Such as: a change in schools, residence, schedule or new people in his or her life?

Help your child develop better coping skills
Work with you child on learning other more positive ways of handling their anxiety or upset.  Keep in mind change takes time.  To help your child transition into using other ways of coping, make time to practice the skill with them.  It can also be very beneficial to limit the  number of changes children are dealing with at once while maintaining a consistent routine and daily schedule in your home.

Steer clear of blaming the other parent
Sometimes when children regress the tendency to want to blame each other rears it’s ugly head. This can be intensified especially if one parent is dealing with more of the regressed behavior than the other. Even if you strongly feel that some responsibility rests on the other parent’s shoulders, pointing fingers won’t help your child.   Do your best to provide your child with a stable and predictable home environment and work collaboratively to support your child moving forward developmentally.

Q – “Since the split my daughter crawls into my bed at night. What started out as a started out as a one time thing has now become an every night affair.  How can I get my child to sleep in her own bed?”

A - When parents split up life changes tremendously for kids. As a result, children often experience increased levels of anxiety or feelings of uncertainty about what the future holds.  When evening approaches feelings about those changes can really hit home for kids.  They may miss the parent they’re not with, feel overwhelmed by how life has changed or focus on worries about what’s happening in the family.

While allowing your child to sleep with you may seem like an ideal way to deal with their nighttime angst, it’s a short-term fix that often leads to long-term problems.

What can you do?

Make sure you’re not part of the problem.

Change isn’t just unsettling for our kids, it’s also shakes us up as parents.  When you’re feeling lonely, it can be quite comforting to have your little one snuggled up next to you. If  kids sense your  divorce distress, they may respond by offering comfort. Therefore, if you want your bed back, you may need to take a hard look at how you feel about changing the sleeping arrangements. Be sure you’re not sending your child a mixed message.

Evaluate what may be feeding your child’s anxiety

Along with concerns related to your separation or divorce, spend time thinking about other changes that could be contributing to your child’s bedtime issues. Are they missing the parent who is not there? Are they getting enough time with both parents? Is their bedroom comfortable? Do they have a regular day-to-day routine or is the family schedule different everyday?

Talk with your child.

If you feel you feel your child’s anxiety is directly related to your divorce, open the conversation by normalizing the problem for your children. You could say something like…”Divorce is a big change in a family. When parents split up sometimes kids have a hard time sleeping on their own.” Reassure them while it’s a big change, over time things will get better and the family is going to be okay.

Include kids in creating a solution.

Once you’ve identified the problem, brainstorm with your child what might make his or her bedroom more comfortable. Remember to be creative and have fun. Ideas can range from making special dream catchers, to creating a bedtime ritual to putting glow-in-dark stars on the ceiling. Bottom line, kids need to hear from you part of being a healthy family involves everyone sleeping in their own bed. 

Create a bedtime routine and stick to it

Routines and structure are the cornerstone of kids feeling safe and secure.  Together create a bedtime routine that engages your child in winding down for the day (i.e. reading a bedtime story, singing a song, saying a nighttime prayer or sharing three good things about their day.) Do your best to stay committed to your nighttime activities and schedule when your children are with you.

Don’t cave when the going gets tough.

Getting kids to sleep in their own bed can be incredibly challenging even for the most capable of parents. Remember change takes time. Even if things go well the first couple of nights, keep in mind some backsliding is normal. It may be wise to have a plan in place for how you will handle a midnight visitor or endless amounts of pleading after you’ve tucked them in bed.  If this happens, quietly walk your child back to bed without lecturing, getting angry or engaging in a conversation. Also avoid giving them an incentive to continue the behavior by lingering in their room.