The Summer Switch-Up: Managing the summer when your kids are with the other parent
During summer months, temperatures aren’t the only things rising. For separated and divorced parents anxiety levels can easily reach an all-time high, as summer rolls around and parenting roles get switched-up. Along with negotiating vacation schedules, figuring out who is going to pay for what and fitting in special activities, parents handling more of the day-to-day care of kids find themselves facing the prospect of being childless for an extended period of time.
While seasoned switch-up veterans may secretly be counting down the days to some much-coveted alone time, first timers or those with tenuous situations may feel an overwhelming sense of dread about summer role reversal.
Of course, parents aren’t the only ones fretting. Summer can also be hugely stressful for kids as they navigate between households. Even when circumstances are amiable and cooperative, just the change from school schedule to summer routine can set kids on edge.
Regardless of which side of the fence you are on, here are some tips for making the summer switch-up successful for everyone.
Use time to recharge
Unfortunately too many parents treat kid free time more like a dirty little secret than an opportunity to recharge. If you haven’t already, do yourself a favor and bypass the guilt. It’s actually okay to enjoy a break from being Mom or Dad 24/7. To avoid squandering your well-deserved break, plan ahead and consider how you can constructively use your children’s time away.
To get started take 10 minutes to jot down a list of things you’d normally consider self- indulgent. You can also include things you’ve wanted to get done but haven’t gotten around to yet.
Coming up short on ideas? Ask yourself.
- When the last time you saw a movie you wanted to see?
- What would it take to plan a weekend getaway with friends?
- Is there a hobby or new experience you’ve wanted to try?
- What’s something you did in the past or “pre-kids” that you might like to do again?
Instead of keeping quiet, feel free to share your summer plans with kids. Not only does it role model good self care but it also reinforces that you feel good about them spending time with the other parent. It also send a clear message that enjoying time apart is okay.
Help kids have a successful experience
Do your best to help build kid’s excitement about their summer getaway with the other parent. Spend time talking it up, making a summer calendar or maybe brainstorming ideas about ways to make it special.
Consider things like:
- Buying a disposable camera and a small photo album so your kids can make a memory book of their summer with the other parent.
- Encouraging children to journal or keep a diary about summer events and activities.
- Creating a summer collection box so kids can collect special trinkets or items to remind them of things they did (for example, a special shell from a trip at the beach or program from a summer concert they attended)
- Packing special items from your home that children can use and enjoy while at the other household. (P.S. If your child’s something special is something major, like a gaming system or a new puppy, be a considerate co-parent and talk to your ex first before packing it up.)
Be creative about staying connected
Kids love mail. Instead of relying exclusively on modern day technology (i.e. phone calls, text, Skype or emails) consider writing your children letters or sending small care packages. Not only is it a great way connect but also it offers a fantastic opportunity to get your kids writing. The other added plus… some very special memories for both of you.
Although you may miss your kids terribly, remember to be respectful of the other parent’s time and take a balanced approach when contacting kids over the summer. Since every situation is different, it’s best to gauge frequency and time of day on your children’s need and ages. Young children may need regular phone calls while a teen feels perfectly comfortable with texting. Whenever possible use good co-parenting etiquette and consult your ex to find out what will work best with their summer schedule.
If this is your first summer…
Keep your anxiety in check
Kids are extremely sensitive to parental stress so make sure your children’s QT with the other parent isn’t tainted with worry. No matter how sad or apprehensive you feel, remember, you are the parent. Do your best to responsibly manage your feelings and not leave children wondering if you’re going to be okay while they’re gone. If necessary, get support from trusted friend or family member to help you sort things out.
It’s perfectly okay to tell your children you love them and that you will miss them. However, don’t forget to reassure them that time with the other parent is important and that you want them to enjoy it.
Whether this is your first summer or your fifth, don’t forget that absence makes the heart grow fonder. When time apart is constructive it can deepen everyone’s appreciation for the important people in their lives.
Have a fabulous summer
As always,
Looking for more practical strategies and insight on how to deal with the tough everyday issues divorce brings?
Learn more about divorce and children or check out my new book Parenting Apart: How Separated and Divorced Parents Can Raise Happy and Secure Kids. Have a question or comment join me on Facebook or follow me on twitter
3 Tips for Parenting Separate Yet Successfully
This past Wednesday I had the opportunity to talk with Kim Iverson live on her nationally syndicated radio show “Your Time With Kim.” During the segment I offered tips on what it takes to create the best living situation for children when parent’s split up.
Figuring out how to take care of children after you separate is perhaps one of the most stressful aspects of divorce. However, when decisions about your children’s future get handed over to the legal system, without a doubt children will suffer. In order to stay in control of how life changes for your children, keep the following tips in mind.
Avoid a cookie cutter approach to life after divorce.
One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make is instead of making a plan that fits their children’s lives, they try to make their children lives fit a plan.
Do your best to base decisions around your CHILDREN’S needs. What works for one family might not work for you. Before developing arrangements, think about what life was like for your kids BEFORE the divorce.
Ask yourself, how will you maintain your child’s active relationship with both parents? How will you provide them with flexible structure?
For example, if Dad took Billy to baseball practice every Tuesday and Thursday then he should continue doing that. If Mom picks up the kids every afternoon because Dad works till 6 o’clock, do your best to maintain those routines and connections for your kids.
It may also help to put things into perspective and take a look at the big picture. How will the choices you are making today affect your children’s lives one year from now, five years from now?
Bottom line: Think outside the box. Don’t limit your options to court based solutions
Support a two home concept
Children benefit MOST when they feel connected to BOTH homes. Don’t talk about one home as their “real” home and the other household as a place to visit. If you can’t provide your children with their own room then create a special space where they can keep their things and find them when they’re with you.
It’s also important to avoid using legalese, ditch words like visit, visitation, custody, possession residential parent non-residential parent etc. Instead talk about time with Mom, time with Dad, Mom’s house, Dad’s house and instead of custody arrangements use phrases like parenting schedules or parenting time.
Don’t be a broker of time
Arrangements should NOT be about fairly dividing the hours and
minutes of your children’s day-to-day lives.
Avoid focusing exclusively on how much time Johnny is spending with you, instead put your energy into thinking about how you will make Johnny’s time with you meaningful.
Parent often ask me if sharing equal time between homes is a good idea. My answer is usually that depends. Equal time in each household is not going to help your kids if they are living in the middle of a war zone.
The key to success is developing a relationship with your ex that places CHILDREN as the TOP priority. That means having good communication skills and the ability to be flexible with one another.
–>Can you share information about school events and activities,
–>Can you talk to each other without arguing in front of the kids or being cold and stand-offish.
–>Are you willing to live in the same community to make things easier for your kids?
–>Will you be flexible with one another?
These are some of the factors that will dictate whether sharing equal time is good for kids.
Really anything is possible when parents are able to let their feelings about each other take backseat to making life work for their kids.
What tips do you have for parenting together while living apart?
Looking for more tips or information? You can find Christina at www.divorceandchildren.com or connect with her on Facebook or Twitter.
Tennessee proposing 50 /50 split in time between parents
Tennessee proposing a 50/50 split in time between parents who divorce.
Are we throwing the baby out with the bathwater?
I consider myself a pretty laid back kind of gal, there are a few words that have a permanent place on my “words I wish never existed” list. Words like residential parent, non-custodial parent, visitation, contact, custody, contact arrangements, custodial parent and possession make me cringe. Clearly, I’m no fan of “legalese. Never have been, never will be.
From where I stand, when parents split, children have every right to feel a sense of connection, of family and belonging with each parent. As a result, I’ve been a relentless advocate for rejecting court-based language and the ideology that comes with it. Instead, I encourage parents to rethink their post–divorce parenting relationship and adopt what I call a “two home” concept.
Provided that safety is not an issue, children deserve Continue reading
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