Paving the road with more than good intentions: tips for talking to kids about divorce
Whether it’s a first heartbreak, a scraped knee or losing a beloved pet watching your children hurt is undeniably harder than hard. When life presents a potentially unpleasant or painful situation, our gut tells us to protect and shield our kids, even if it means being a little less than honest or presenting a watered down version of the truth. Most of us do so with the best of intentions, hoping and praying that we’ve somehow spared our children from unnecessary anguish.
Nothing could be truer when you are facing the task of telling your children you’re splitting up. In my coaching practice parents often ask me “How can I keep my children from feeling completely devastated when I tell them we are getting a divorce?” What they really mean to say is, “How can I bypass the hurt or at least make it hurt a little less?” While you may have the best of intentions, side stepping the upset doesn’t really help our children prepare for what lies ahead.
Whether approaching a first conversation or subsequent talks with children, here are some key points to keep in mind.
Shore yourself up first.
Talking about divorce isn’t just hard for kids. It’s also hard for parents. Before initiating a conversation with your children, be sure to sort through your own feelings about how life is changing. Think through what your children will need to hear (i.e. when they will see Mom and Dad, where will they live, what will change about their day-to-day lives etc.) and plan ahead how you will responsibility manage your feelings during the conversation.
Use clear language.
Sometimes parents mistakenly think they can soften the blow for kids by not using the words separation or divorce. Instead they may say something like, “We’ve decided we need a break to think things through.” Other parents try to dodge the bullet by offering an alternate explanation for why things are different, such as, “Mom/Dad has a big project at work and will be moving out for awhile so they can be closer to the office.” When this happens kids are often left hanging in limbo. They may also hold fast to the hope that things will eventually go back to the way they were before.
To avoid confusion be sure to talk with your children in a direct way using clear language.
Resist the urge to sugarcoat or gloss over.
While there can be some advantages to Mom and Dad living apart, avoid exclusively presenting a “divorce with benefits” perspective (i.e. two Christmas celebrations, two birthdays, more presents, things really won’t change that much, we’ll all be much happier etc.) Children need to know that it’s both understandable and normal to feel sad about divorce.
Additionally trying to downplay the upset may:
- Give your children the impression that you aren’t taking their feelings seriously.
- Leave them wondering if there’s something you are not telling them.
- Cause confusion about what’s really happening.
- Send a subtle message that it’s not okay to talk about it.
Offer a sense of stability.
Along with addressing how things will be different, give your children solid ground to stand on by talking about what will stay the same.
For example you might say something like, “Although the relationship is changing between Mom and Dad, there are things in your life that will stay the same. You will still have a Mom and a Dad, we will both still love you very much, you will still go to the same school, have the same friends, you will still be part of a family, people who are important to you now will continue to be a part of your life.”
Also, whenever possible, do your best to minimize the number of changes kids have to deal with in the early stages of your separation or divorce. Keep in mind this does not mean that children should maintain one primary home and only have occasional contact with the other parent. When safety is not an issue, children benefit most when they have consistent and regular contact with both parents.
Don’t feel like you have to have all the answers.
If a question or issue comes up and you’re not sure what to say, don’t feel pressured to give an answer on the spot. Instead let your children know that you need some to think about the issue or question. It’s also fine to tell them that you don’t know. However, be sure not to leave them hanging. Keep in mind it’s essential to follow up and get back to them with an answer quickly.
Additionally, it’s important to understand that no matter how well you explain things or how carefully you word your answer, when it comes to explaining “why” you will probably never be able to completely satisfy your child’s need to know. Above all, resist the temptation to impulsively provide them with more information or too much elaboration on the reasons for the divorce.
**This article was also recently featured on the Jones Meyers family law website.
Looking for more practical strategies and insight on how to help your children?
Learn more at divorce and children or check out my book Parenting Apart: How Separated and Divorced Parents Can Raise Happy and Secure Kids.
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Planning for Seasonal Success: Holiday Tips for Parenting Apart
Just for grins, I decided to Google “holiday stress.” While I expected my return would be substantial, I have to admit I was a little taken aback when Google handed me over 7 MILLION results.
Without a doubt, holidays present challenges for lots of families. For those parenting out of two households, seasonal festivities often send stress levels soaring. To make sure you and your kids have a successful season here’s a few top tips from our Handling the Holidays series.
Don’t focus on fair
When it comes to holiday scheduling and how time is shared between households, parents often become overly concerned with what’s fair and forget how it feels for kids. Remember what may feel fair for Mom and Dad, may not be best for kids.
This holiday season do your best to be flexible and let your kids’ needs guide holiday planning.
Keep kids in the loop
When the holidays hit, most of us quickly get caught up in seasonal angst. Instead of knowing what to expect, kids usually end up getting a moment’s notice or very little time to shift gears (i.e. “Hurry up and get your things, Dad will be here in 15 minutes.” or “What do you mean you didn’t know you were spending Christmas Eve with Mom.”) To keep things on track, consider using color-coded holiday calendars so kids will know how and when they will spend time with each parent. It also helps to include other significant seasonal events and time that will be spent with other important family members.
Along with how events are scheduled, set aside some time to talk with your children about what the holidays will look like. Discuss what will be different and what will stay the same. Additionally, spend time brainstorming with kids about which traditions they’d like to hang onto and where the family might be ready to embrace something new.
Smooth out transitions
Going back and forth between households can be a real challenge for kids—especially during the holidays. Think ahead about how you can help your kids smoothly transition to the other parent’s home. So for example, instead of pulling kids away from a festive family celebration and shuffling out them door to Mom’s or Dad’s house without warning, give your kids a heads up about what the plan is before you arrive. (i.e. “Today we will be at Aunt Sally’s house until 3:30 pm then we’re going to meet Mom at her house so you can have some special time to enjoy the holiday with her.”)
Also, do your best to deliver children that are in good spirits and well rested. If you know your ex has plans with the children first thing in the morning. Don’t keep them out until midnight and drop them off in their pajamas without breakfast.
Keep the holiday tension free
When it comes to celebrating a first Christmas after the split, divorcing couples often struggle with whether they should spend the day together. Be mindful the key to making things work for your kids is to create a tension free holiday. If you and the other parent can reasonably manage your feelings, then a holiday together could be really meaningful for your children. However, if you can’t, you’re probably better off having separate celebrations.
Bigger isn’t always better
When you are sharing time between two households, it can be tempting to make the most of your limited time by overdoing or overindulging. Keep in mind; if you spend every single minute of your time together on the go, you’re likely to end up with fussy, overwhelmed and unhappy kids. To give your holiday balance, find ways to build in pockets of time with no agenda into your schedule. Think about sitting quietly with your kids and reading a book, taking a walk in the park or enjoying a late morning breakfast together in your pajamas. Remember bigger isn’t always better!
Do you have tips for handling the holidays? If you have something to share that worked for you and your family please chime in below.
Until next time… Wishing you and yours the happiest of holidays.
Feel overwhelmed by the holidays? Looking for answers but don’t know where to turn?
Parenting Apart: How Separated and Divorced Parents Can Raise Happy and Secure Kids offers quick easy-to-access solutions and practical tips. Have a question or comment? Join our growing parent community on Facebook or follow me on twitter.
“Oh no, you didn’t!” What to do when kids tell you they want to live with the other parent
Imagine. Life is just humming right along that is until 13-year-old Abigail asks to stay out until midnight. Seems some of her friends have planned to hang out at a local movie theatre. According to her, everybody will be there and leaving before midnight would totally make her look like a major loser. You, however, have a firm curfew of 10:30 pm. She begs, she pleads, she cries but you don’t waver. Desperate she pulls out the big guns and pops off with, “I hate you. You never let me do anything! I want to go live with Daddy. He doesn’t treat me like a baby. He would never have a problem with me staying out until midnight.”
Your first thought… “Oh no, you didn’t.”
Oh yes, she did.
When a relationship ends there are a lot of things parents find unsettling, overwhelming and downright scary. However, nothing strikes fear into a divorced parent’s heart like hearing, “I hate you. I want to go live with my other parent!“
More often than not those words are uttered in the heat of the moment. Maybe you’re having a disagreement over how clean a bedroom really needs to be or perhaps you’ve been told in no uncertain terms how lame you are because you won’t say yes to rated “M” (for mature) video games. Kids may tell you how they covet the multitude of freedoms they have when they are with Dad or how very cool Mom is because she lets them text at the dinner table.
So what do you do when your little bundle of joy demands to live fulltime with their other “more fun” parent?
Don’t take it personally
Be mindful that every self-respecting kid at one time or another will test the waters. When kids are angry or upset about a rule being enforced, they may use the threat of changing households as a way to get you to back down. For other kids, hitting you where they know it hurts, is just another way of acting out their anger.
Whether it’s to gain an upper hand or to show you how really pissed off they are, do your best not to take what your child has said at face value.
Avoid turning the tables
Most kids have cultivated a special talent for pushing just the right buttons. While you may not mean it, take care not to counter your child’s angry outburst with one of your own. Let’s take another look at Mom and Abigail’s fall out. Suppose when Abigail spouted off “I hate you and your stupid rules!” Mom replied with “ Well, if you don’t like it, then maybe I should send you to live with your Dad! After all why should I get all the fun? Let’s see how he likes dealing with the drama.”
Okay, let’s be honest. Who hasn’t secretly fantasized about shipping their child off when they are in the throes of a temper tantrum or emotional meltdown? While fantasizing is fine, using a shape up or ship out threat typically results in more problems. First, it sends a pretty clear message that you don’t have control. Keep in mind, when kids figure out you don’t mean it (and most of us don’t) chances are they aren’t going to value or respect the other issues you take a stand on in the future. Second, it’s quite possible your kids may also interpret “I’ll just send you to live with Dad” as your love is conditional (i.e. “Do what I say or you’re out of here.”). Either way it compromises your credibility as a parent.
Keep your cool
As hard as it may be, don’t match your child’s anger or engage in a discussion about changing the living arrangements. Even though you may be seething, do your best to give the appearance of being calm and collected. If needed, take a deep breath before addressing your child’s request in a matter of fact way.
To illustrate let’s revisit the Abigail scenario. Instead of Mom raking Dad over the coals for being an irresponsible parent, she decides to take a step back. In her most sincere, calm and cool voice she says to Abigail “I’m glad to hear Dad understands you and that you feel comfortable with the rules in his house. However, in this house we have different rules. Talking about where you live when we are having a disagreement isn’t a good idea. When things have cooled off, if you’d still like to talk about changing things let me know and I’ll make time for us to discuss it further.”
On another note, if you find you’re having a strong reaction to what your child has said, it’s probably best to put things on hold. Odds are nothing good will come out of talking to your child when you’re feeling hurt or angry. Instead, let your child know you need some time to think about what has been said and step away from the situation. Consider going to another room or taking a walk outside. Once you’re in a better place, give thought to what set you on edge and how you want to address the issue with your child.
Have an open mind
If you have a more traditional parenting schedule, be aware that at some point your kids may want to know what it would be like to spend more time in the other parent’s home. When children express a sincere interest that is not motivated by anger or upset, as parents, it’s important to pay attention to that.
Whether you are under one roof or two, as our children’s needs change, so must our parenting. For example, it’s very normal for a teenage boy to crave more day-to-day contact with his father. A young girl transitioning into her tweens may really benefit from spending extra time with Mom. Although it can be scary as hell to think about changing your parenting arrangement, do your best to keep an open mind.
When have you heard the words, “I want to move out and live with my other parent!” If so, what did you do to head off your child’s angry outburst? Have a story, tip or comment to share with other parents, feel free to post below. Look forward to hearing from you.
Until next time,
Feel overwhelmed by divorce drama? Exhausted by ongoing conflict? Worried that you’re kids won’t be okay? GET solutions and support at divorce and children or check out my new book Parenting Apart: How Separated and Divorced Parents Can Raise Happy and Secure Kids. Have a question or comment? Join our growing parent community on Facebook or follow me on twitter.
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