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Parenting With Your Ex
Don't let your children become casualties of
a war between
you and your ex-spouse.
One of the most damaging aspects of divorce consistently emphasized
by researchers, mental health professionals and family courts is
parental conflict. When children are exposed to parent's heated
debates, badmouthing, insults and high conflict situations, they
suffer tremendously. Children literally view themselves as half mom
and half dad. Therefore, if they hear negative information or
comments about one parent, kids tend to view it as something bad
about them. This can greatly affect a child's self image and self
esteem.
Exposing children to parental
conflict can:
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Place children
in loyalty conflicts (feeling like they must choose one parent over the other).
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Continue or
escalate children's feelings of fear and insecurity.
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Damage
children's self esteem and sense of identity.
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Prolong
short-term reactions to divorce and keep children from successfully adjusting.
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Contribute to
development of negative long-term reactions.
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Keep children
feeling responsible for the divorce.
Something to
consider....
When I teach parenting classes to parents experiencing divorce, I
often tell them that regardless of how you feel about your
ex-spouse, no matter how long you have been divorced, when you have
children there is one part of your marriage vows that will always
ring true:
"Till death do you part"
Although parents
are usually not thrilled to hear this, it is very true. Despite the
fact that your relationship as a married couple has ended, your
roles as Mom and Dad will continue for a lifetime. Children function
best when they are able to have a nurturing, supportive relationship
with BOTH parents. Even after your children are grown, plan
on them wanting both of you to be involved in holidays, graduations,
weddings and the birth of grandchildren. Parenting is a lifetime
commitment and your children have a right to have both of you
actively involved in their lives.
Parenting with someone you
couldn't be married to
So this raises the ever-popular question of, "how do you continue to
parent your children with someone you felt
you couldn't be married to"?
Tips for establishing a
successful co-parenting relationship with your ex spouse.
Avoid conflict in front of your
children at all cost
Often contact between parents initially is difficult and can be a
breeding ground for open warfare. If you, or the other parent, are
having difficulty avoiding conflict try to create other options that
may decrease potential confrontations. Arrange for pickups or drop
offs to take place in a neutral setting. Also make sure children are
not in listening range when telephone conversations are being held
with the other parent. If necessary use written communication,
voicemail, text messages, email or faxes to share information with
your child's other parent.
Establish a business relationship with
your ex which is focused on the best interest of your children
Your relationship as husband and wife has ended; however, you both
continue to have a lifelong investment in the well being of your
children. Avoid conversations that address old issues, personal
information or encourage conflict. If you are having difficulty
separating your emotions from the situation or person, ask yourself
how you would handle a similar situation with a fellow co-worker.
Sometimes it may be helpful to think about how you would want the
situation handled if the roles were reversed.
Change your expectations
Following divorce some parents try to control one another through
resorting to manipulation, confrontation and bad mouthing. Don't put
energy into trying to control your ex or the situation. The most you
can do is be the best parent you can be and strive to influence your
children in a nurturing supportive way.
Control your anger
If you find yourself reacting
to something your ex has said or done, whenever possible find some
way to distance yourself from your immediate response. Give yourself
time to vent to a friend, sort through your feelings and cool off.
Approach your ex at a later time once you have sorted through
things. Instead of waging a personal attack, stay focused on
addressing the issue. Also try utilizing negotiation tactics during
times of disagreement.
Be supportive of the other parents role
in your child's life
Remember just because your ex wasn't a good partner doesn't mean
they can't be a good parent. Speak positively about the other parent
to your children when possible. (If you can't you are probably
better off not saying anything.)
Resolve feelings and issues regarding
your ex-spouse
Find some way to address your issues related to the divorce verses
hanging onto the anger and hurt. Moving forward is important for
both you and your children. If you are having difficulty find some
help.
Take responsibility for communicating
with your child's other parent
Inform the other parent of school functions, important details,
extracurricular activities and special events whenever possible for
your child's benefit.
When possible be flexible and willing
to compromise
Where children are concerned plans are always subject to change. Be
open to changes or agreements which serve your children's best
interest. It also sets a good example for children when parents are
willing to work things out.
Less than Ideal
Situations
While you may not have control over the choices your ex-spouse
makes, you do have control over the choices you make. When
situations are highly conflictual or difficult keep in mind some of
the following suggestions.
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Keep discussions with your ex focused on the best interest of
your children.
If your ex brings up old arguments or issues
don't get into a debate over who is right and who is wrong.
Refocus the conversation on the issue at hand and stick to the
task, parenting your children.
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If face-to-face contact is too difficult use email
Email can be a good way to exchange ideas or
information about the children and minimize conflict.
Remember to avoid getting into a paper war with your ex.
Exchanging a series of angry emails at each other will not help
your children either.
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Don't retaliate when your spouse launches a personal attack.
Even though it may be hard
when your ex says or does something to push
your buttons, take the high road and avoid reacting to your ex
spouses inappropriate behavior.
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Find safe and healthy ways to vent/process your feelings.
Dealing with conflict can be draining.
Make sure you are handling your feelings and that you have
appropriate outlets, as well as, a supportive network.
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Strive to provide your children with consistency and
stability regardless of the other parent's actions.
Focus on what you can control not what you can't.
While you may not agree with the other parent's choices children
will still fare better if they have a loving stable relationship with at least one parent.
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Don't get yourself worked up over the small stuff.
When emotions are running high it is easy for issues to become
much bigger than they actually are. To gain perspective ask
yourself what difference will this make six months from now? a
year?
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Don't use drop-offs or pick-ups as a time to discuss
information regarding the children. Schedule mutually agreeable times to either talk over
issues or
choose to share information by email. Pick ups and drop off can
be emotional times for children and parents.
When abuse has occurred
When abuse of a child or parent has occurred the recommendations
regarding co-operative parenting change drastically.
First and
foremost, the safety of children and
or an abused parent are the primary issues.
If your situation involves any type of abusive situation
seek help immediately for you and your
children. When
abusive relationships have occurred limited contact between parents,
as well as, children, may be in a child's best interest. Legal
support may also play a significant role in keeping everyone safe.
Keep in mind that consistent documentation can be very important in
these types of situations.
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Get help for your children
Children's DVD
Program
Children's Workbook
"A must
have for any parent who has struggled with how to talk to their children about divorce."
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“Thank-you Christina, for the wealth of
sane, sensible, sensitive, information…
I feel calmer and better able to approach my decision
making in a realistic, positive way.”
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