divorce and children

Are your kids emotionally ready to head back to school?

admin — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 14:35:48 +0000

I recently appeared on Great Day Houston to talk with Debra Duncan about how to help kids get prepared for the upcoming school year. Here’s some of my top tips for parents.

While new experiences can be exciting even the most secure kid may feel a little nervous about school related changes. Facing new or different experiences often leaves kids wondering things like:

• How am I going to measure up to everyone else?
• Will I be able to find my classes?
• Will I get bullied or picked on by other kids?
• What if nobody likes me?

Even small things like figuring out where lockers are and how they work, can be intimidating.

Tips for emotionally preparing your kids for a new school or transitioning to a new grade level

• Talk it up
Help kids get excited about the upcoming school year. Consider counting down the days, make buying school supplies fun not a chore or developing a back to school ritual. Consider using the transition as an opportunity to create a special memory for your children.

Ways to help kids get excited about the first day.

- Make a special breakfast together to start things off on a positive note.
- For a teen or tween stop off at a local coffee shop before heading off to school.
- Pack a lunch filled with children’s favorite foods.
- Put a note, joke or riddle in your kids lunch box or back pack.

• Do a test run
If possible, visit your child’s new school so they have a chance to do a walk through before the first day. Help them find their locker, classrooms and cafeteria.

For working parents who can’t visit during daytime hours, consider driving by the school after work. Take a walk around the outside of the campus, look up information about the school online or spend time talking with your child about what the first day might look like.

• Identify kids biggest concerns
Ask your child what they’re most worried about and then help them find a way to address the issue by brainstorming ideas. Keep in mind brainstorming involves generating ideas. It’s not about fixing the problem for your children but helping them gain the skills to solve problems themselves.

After discussing issues be sure to check in with your kids to see how they are feeling or how things are going with the transition.

Tips for helping kids when family has changed due to divorce or separation

When parents choose to separate or divorce over the summer, kids may be very worried about how those changes will affect school or what they will say to friends, teachers or coaches.

What to do

• Help kids figure out what to say
Talk through what is acceptable for kids to say about your family situation. Ask them what they feel comfortable saying to their friends and teachers. If kids don’t know what to say, offer some suggestions. Work out a couple of short simple explanations that feel comfortable for them.

Examples:
- My parents decided they would be happier living in different homes.
- My Mom and Dad are separated so I have two homes now, one with my Mom and one with my Dad.
- My family has changed this summer. My parents decided to divorce so we’re still working things out.

If people ask why or kids feel uncomfortable with certain questions, let them know it’s okay to say, “Thanks for asking but I really don’t feel comfortable talking about it yet.”

• Inform school and teachers
Let teachers know things have changed in the family. If you have a set schedule that involves both parents doing pick ups and drop offs make sure the teacher/school know what the schedule is and have contact information for both parents.

• Keep the other parent in the loop
Don’t burden your children with the responsibility of providing the other parent with school related information or details about special activities/events. Remember even though your relationship has changed, your kids needs have not. Sharing information isn’t about making life easier for the other parent, it’s about making life easier for your kids.

• Let kids know they are not alone
Help children understand lots of families experience divorce. While it’s a hard change for a family usually with time things will get better. Keep communication open reassure kids they can ask questions or talk about feelings.

Tips for handling school pressure to keep up or have the best “things”

In today’s world, parents and kids alike are inundated with the pressure to have it all. It’s also not unusual for kids to associate material things with ideas like social status and acceptance.
While there aren’t any quick fixes, there are ways parents can combat the drive to keep up or have the best “things”

• Help kids feel good about themselves
Get kids involved in activities, which make them feel good about themselves and allow them to build positive skills. Also engaging kids in opportunities to do for others can be extremely beneficial.

Other ways parents can bolster self esteem is to offer constructive praise. For example, instead of saying “You’re so smart,” try “I can tell you worked really hard to study for that test, you must be proud of yourself.” Kids who receive constructive praise are more willing to take risks and have greater self-esteem.

• Let kids work for it
When it comes to material things don’t be afraid to set limits or have open discussions with your kids. If your children really want the greatest and latest, help them set a goal and work for it instead of buying it for them or caving into social pressure.

For example, lets say Rachel wants a new iphone. If she has to save for it, you may find Rachel has a new appreciation for the value of money or perhaps she may have a change of heart and decide having a new iphone is overrated.

What are some of your suggestions for helping kids get ready for the upcoming school year?

When children get angry about divorce

admin — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 02:55:23 +0000

Anger and sadness are usually the two most significant feelings children struggle with when parents choose to go their separate ways. While neither falls into the easy to deal with category, usually finding healthy ways to help children manage anger is a real challenge for parents. To offer some insight into what happens for children I’ve posted a clip from one of my past workshops.

To see more clips check out my channel on YouTube.

Have a question or interested in more tips? Visit www.divorceandchildren.com or Connect with Christina on Facebook or Twitter.

What makes you smile?

admin — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 19:37:03 +0000

Generally speaking I’m a pretty positive person. My credo is leave everything a little bit better than you found it–and that includes people. As a parent, I do my best to instill my kids with a positive outlook on life and encourage them to pass that energy along to others whenever possible. Maybe it involves smiling at a less than pleasant checkout clerk, being patient when you’re stuck in traffic, trying to find the best in someone who totally gets on your nerves or offering to pitch in without being asked.

My tween’s typical response to my somewhat Pollyanna-like attitude is usually along the lines of “Mom, get a grip that’s not what real life is like. Stop being so nice.”

She typically scoffs when I cheerfully ask “How was your day?” It’s also been made clear in no uncertain terms that displays of public affection are totally off limits. Her cynicism in the world is fairly typical for a kid rapidly approaching thirteen. Yet there are days when I can’t help but wonder if there’s some dark recessive gene lurking around in our DNA pool that beat the crap out of my optimistic genes. Keeping the negativity in check with her is a constant work in progress. Luckily, I don’t give up easily.

Because “How was your day?” doesn’t go very far, dinner conversations have become our check-in point. Typically meals are peppered with chats about the daily news, discussions over peer-related drama and you’ll never guess who did what to whom. Most days I try to do more listening than talking. Occasionally, however, the need to provide some balance to the direction of these mealtime talks takes over and I toss out a question for family discussion. Just last week the question of the night was, “What made you smile today?”

Immediately, my rather pessimistic tween rolled her eyes and responded with, “Oh Mom, not again!” Being a skilled trial and error kind of parent, I let it go and chalked it up as yet another failed experiment. Much to my surprise, however, the next day when I picked my daughter up from school the first words out of her mouth - wait for it - “Mom, guess what made me smile today?”

As a parent, you never really know what’s going to stick with your kids. While the over-the-top stuff that you do is easier to recognize, I’d like to think that it’s the simple everyday stuff in life, like connecting with smiling moments, that really tips the scales. Some days the best you can do is just keep tossing new things their direction and follow their lead.

How do your children see you connecting with the “smiling moments” in life?

What’s one thing you can do this week that will help your children connect to something positive about their lives?

Looking for more tips or information? You can find Christina at www.divorceandchildren.com or connect with her on Facebook or Twitter.

Tips for Parenting Separate Yet Successfully

admin — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 03:28:49 +0000

This past Wednesday I had the opportunity to talk with Kim Iverson live on her nationally syndicated radio show “Your Time With Kim.” During the segment I offered tips on what it takes to create the best living situation for children when parent’s split up.

Figuring out how to take care of children after you separate is perhaps one of the most stressful aspects of divorce. However, when decisions about your children’s future get handed over to the legal system, without a doubt children will suffer. In order to stay in control of how life changes for your children, keep the following tips in mind.

Avoid a cookie cutter approach to life after divorce.
One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make is instead of making a plan that fits their children’s lives, they try to make their children lives fit a plan.

Do your best to base decisions around your CHILDREN’S needs. What works for one family might not work for you. Before developing arrangements, think about what life was like for your kids BEFORE the divorce.

Ask yourself, how will you maintain your child’s active relationship with both parents? How will you provide them with flexible structure?

For example, if Dad took Billy to baseball practice every Tuesday and Thursday then he should continue doing that. If Mom picks up the kids every afternoon because Dad works till 6 o’clock, do your best to maintain those routines and connections for your kids.

It may also help to put things into perspective and take a look at the big picture. How will the choices you are making today affect your children’s lives one year from now, five years from now?

Bottom line: Think outside the box. Don’t limit your options to court based solutions

Support a two home concept
Children benefit MOST when they feel connected to BOTH homes. Don’t talk about one home as their “real” home and the other household as a place to visit. If you can’t provide your children with their own room then create a special space where they can keep their things and find them when they’re with you.

It’s also important to avoid using legalese, ditch words like visit, visitation, custody, possession residential parent non-residential parent etc. Instead talk about time with Mom, time with Dad, Mom’s house, Dad’s house and instead of custody arrangements use phrases like parenting schedules or parenting time.

Don’t be a broker of time
Arrangements should NOT be about fairly dividing the hours and
minutes of your children’s day-to-day lives.

Avoid focusing exclusively on how much time Johnny is spending with you, instead put your energy into thinking about how you will make Johnny’s time with you meaningful.
Parent often ask me if sharing equal time between homes is a good idea. My answer is usually that depends. Equal time in each household is not going to help your kids if they are living in the middle of a war zone.

The key to success is developing a relationship with your ex that places CHILDREN as the TOP priority. That means having good communication skills and the ability to be flexible with one another.

–>Can you share information about school events and activities,

–>Can you talk to each other without arguing in front of the kids or being cold and stand-offish.

–>Are you willing to live in the same community to make things easier for your kids?

–>Will you be flexible with one another?

These are some of the factors that will dictate whether sharing equal time is good for kids.

Really anything is possible when parents are able to let their feelings about each other take backseat to making life work for their kids.

What tips do you have for parenting together while living apart?

Looking for more tips or information? You can find Christina at www.divorceandchildren.com or connect with her on Facebook or Twitter.

Tennessee proposing 50 /50 split in time between parents. Are we throwing the baby out with the bathwater?

admin — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 22:45:25 +0000

I consider myself a pretty laid back kind of gal, there are a few words that have a permanent place on my “words I wish never existed” list. Words like residential parent, non-custodial parent, visitation, contact, custody, contact arrangements, custodial parent and possession make me cringe. Clearly, I’m no fan of “legalese.” Never have been, never will be.

From where I stand, when parents split, children have every right to feel a sense of connection, of family and belonging with each parent. As a result, I’ve been a relentless advocate for rejecting court-based language and the ideology that comes with it. Instead, I encourage parents to rethink their post–divorce parenting relationship and adopt what I call a “two home” concept.

Provided that safety is not an issue, children deserve (more…)

What Tiger Woods did right

admin — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 00:11:09 +0000

Over the past two months Tiger Woods’ shining public image as the World’s Number One Gentleman Golfer has taken some serious hits. While he may no longer have a reputation as the ideal family man, he has definitely done some things right. (more…)

Surviving the Summer

admin — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 07:10:22 +0000

Christina’s top four tips for “Surviving the Summer” as seen on Fox 26 morning news - Houston Texas

Two of the biggest summer issues for separated parents are:
1. Who’s going to pay for it?
2. How are we going to schedule it?

If you are struggling with either or both of these issues, keep the following tips in mind. (more…)

Preparing for the summer

admin — Thu, 28 May 2009 19:57:08 +0000

As the end of the school term draws near many parents start feeling anxious about transitioning their children into a summer schedule. Historically this time of year is when many children spend longer periods of time away from one or both parents due to vacations and/or scheduled extended periods of time with one parent or the other. While there have been some shifts towards shared parenting, many families still work around a structure where one parent functions as the primary household and the other parent spends the majority of their time with children on weekends, holidays and during the summer months.

For many parents it can be incredibly difficult to think about not seeing children for weeks at a time. However, it is important to remember that summer arrangements can produce a considerable amount of stress for children as well, especially if (more…)

Parenting Gone Wrong OR Wake-up Call?

admin — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:30:58 +0000

It seems yet another sensationalistic parenting story has caught the media’s attention with a vengeance. Apparently over the weekend 45-year-old mom, Madlyn Primoff, had enough and dropped her arguing daughters, (10 and 12 years old) on the side of the road three miles from home. While the details vary some from story to story, you can get the general gist of what occurred by following the link at the bottom of the page.

We love these types of stories don’t we? They seem to bring out the overly opinionated commentator in all of us. Ignoring it is a bit like closing your eyes during the scary parts of a movie. You don’t want to look but then again it’s so tempting. Others perhaps just feel drawn to the shock and can’t get enough.

Clearly I am no exception. I admit the story line of an overwhelmed mom gone berserk caught my attention. As a parent of four children (two bonus, two bio) I totally get the whole “Stop touching each other or else” feeling. Yet it was (more…)

What’s Your Legacy?

admin — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 09:41:12 +0000

Recently I came across an amazing new community movement called the “Noticer Project” hosted by Andy Andrews’s. Andy is an inspirational bestselling author who has initiated a worldwide movement encouraging people to “notice the five most influential people in your life.” If you haven’t seen his work you can check it out at thenoticerproject.com.

Touched by Andy’s movement I decide to post an article I wrote in 2007 about a dear friend and colleague who significantly impacted my life. Richard, also a writer, was one of my greatest supporters always encouraging me to follow my dream. As I continue work on my latest book project I can often hear his voice inside my head offering words of wisdom and encouragement.

Written in loving memory of Dr. Richard B. Austin

This past month my dear friend and colleague, Dr. Richard Austin, died from health related complications due to cancer. He was someone whom I greatly respected professionally but I also admired his unbridled passion for life. To me, Richard exemplified what it means to live a full and rich life. He was someone who faced challenge with integrity and seemed to handle problems (more…)