Divorce Distress: How to manage life when things feel crazy

By admin | November 20, 2007

I am not a big fan of television; I don’t normally listen to much radio or take in the news on a regular basis. On an average normal day I give very little, if any, attention to celebrity news.  For the most part I am considered by most to be totally clueless about who’s who’s in

Hollywood. And amazingly enough, my life seems to function just fine.  However, unless you live under a rock, (as I have occasionally been accused of doing) you would be hard pressed not to know about the ongoing Britney Spears, Kevin Federline parenting saga. 

 When contacted for comment on the situation by OK magazine, the question was raised what happens to parents when divorce occurs, i.e. is Brit’s bad parenting the result of normal “divorce distress”?    First, it is very common, especially in the early stages of divorce and separation, for life to be very chaotic for parents and children.  Let me emphasize the words very chaotic.   Research indicates that when we are in a heightened level of stress our overall level of functioning becomes significantly compromised. We are more prone to forget things, make rash decisions, act out of character, be short-tempered or irritable, emotionally distant and often logic and reason go right out the window.  In short, high levels of stress can and often leads to the very best behaving at their very worst.  Consider after all, that life as you and your kids have known it is essentially over and for the vast majority of us that means significant changes on many different levels (financial, parenting roles, responsibilities, spending time with our children, establishing new households, dealing with the legal system etc.)  Just as our children are emotionally fragile during this time, so are we, as parents.  It is also equally common for a parent experiencing increased stress to be both emotionally and physically less available to children during times of transition.  While it is expected that you may have a difficult time keeping it all together when it feels like things are falling apart, you still have a responsibility to your children.  They are depending on you to get them through this. How can they believe life is going to be okay if you’re not? Versus following the celebrity model of handling “divorce distress” if you are feeling a little overwhelmed here are a few tips to help you get it together. 

  1. Take care of your basic needs first.

Make time to eat at regular intervals, get a good nights sleep and exercise.  Even though it can be hard to make your self care a priority, it is absolutely necessary that you do. We all parent differently when we are stressed and sleep deprived, than when we are well rested and feeling grounded. 

  1. Seek out support for you and your children.

While supporting one another is an important aspect of being a family, children and parents should never be each other’s only support system.  Both you and your children will need other outlets as you go through the process of redefining your lives. Make sure you have other adults to talk to and that you are occasionally engaging in other adult activities.  For kids, try to keep them connected with positive extra curricular activities, support existing friendships and help them identify other safe adults they can talk to besides Mom and Dad.  

  1. Identify your main stressors and adjust your expectations

Researchers support the idea that not all stress is bad. In actuality, managed stress can actually add to the excitement of life, while stress left unmanaged can lead to a myriad of emotional and physical problems.  Make a list of your top 5 stressors and think through how you might be able to better manage them.  For things you may not be able to change, try to give yourself an attitude adjustment.  Remember stressing out leaves you less capable whereas giving yourself some emotional space to deal with things leads to better decisions.  

  1. Make time to positively connect with your children.

Find at least 20 to 30 minutes a day to enjoy being with your children (quality one on one time, not multitasking time). For most of us, it is easy to get overwhelmed with keeping track of schedules, doing homework, taking care of everyday chores and lose track of enjoying time with our children. When life is stressful, it can help considerably to place your energy into meaningful activities.  Balancing life in this way often makes it a little bit easier to get through the challenging times.  Consider ending the evening with reading a book together, taking a walk around the block, coloring with your children or playing a short game.   

  1. Take time to enjoy life, even if it is only 5 minutes at a time.

As parents we all get bogged down in the idea that we just don’t have enough time especially when we are stressed.  However, accessing small simple pleasures through out the day can make a big difference in your attitude.   Things you can do…

Topics: Stress | No Comments »

Shed the Dread: The value of taking action

By admin | October 24, 2007

You will never plough a field if you only turn it over in your mind.
Irish Proverb

Recently while working with a client, I was once again reminded of the powerful connection that exists between action/inaction and our emotional health.  Sally had been dealing with a number of significant changes in her life including a recent separation from her husband, a pending divorce and the possibility of having to re-enter the professional world after devoting years to being a stay at home Mom.   

In the midst of these changes, she had been struggling for several months with getting her home office organized.  She absolutely dreaded entering the room and did everything she could think of to avoid it.  Fantasies abounded from boarding up the doors and never opening it again, to having the whole room demolished and shipped to the local dump.  She yearned for a clean fresh start. Anytime she spoke about her home office you could hear the life being sucked out of her.  She felt hopeless, overwhelmed and incompetent.  It became clear through our sessions that she had a considerable amount of emotional energy invested in this room.  For her it was not just a cluttered room but a constant reminder of the disappointment she felt in other areas of her life.   

After several months of work, Sally reached a point where she was able to acknowledge and accept that avoiding the home office was keeping her stuck. She moved herself into action, picked up the telephone, located a professional organizer and quickly found the help she needed to get the job done.  In one afternoon, not only was the room she had once dreaded completely transformed, but so was Sally.  She had energy in her voice and a more positive outlook about her future.  Instead of feeling powerless she felt empowered.  She also realized a couple of important things about herself.   

Like Sally, we all get overwhelmed at times by things in our lives that are not quite the way we would like them to be.  Maybe you need to take a serious look at your finances but are afraid of what you will discover.  Perhaps you are putting off a doctor’s appointment, changing jobs, dealing with issues from your previous marriage, cleaning your own house or confronting a problem you are having with your ex.   By moving ourselves into an “avoidance mode” we usually end up feeling more stressed, overwhelmed and frustrated rather than getting the job done and moving on to bigger and better things.  

This is especially true when you are going through a divorce or separation.  It can be very tempting to let yourself slip into feeling helpless and out of control.  However, it’s important to remember that often even the smallest of changes can reap the biggest rewards.  Only by taking action will you be able to “shed the dread” and stop expending your valuable energy and positively contribute to your emotional health.  So try asking yourself …. 

Once you have figured out what you need to do, find some way to get the support you need to take the first step.  Just like Sally, you may find that facing the dread and doing something about it will make all the difference!

Action challenge: 

1. Makes a list of 10 things that are energy drains for you or that you would like to be different in your life. (Remember they don’t all have to be monumental, the key is to choose things that generate stress on a regular basis.  If you dread thinking about the items you listed then you have probably chosen well)   

2. Choose one item you are willing to work on and write down the answers to following questions:

3.  After you have outlined the steps you need to take, schedule a time on your calendar to get started.  If the task seems too overwhelming, break it down into smaller steps.  For example, if you need to update financial records, work on one month per evening until you are finished. 

Topics: Taking Action | No Comments »

Dealing with the stress of divorce at work

By admin | July 30, 2007

In three words, I can sum up everything I learned about life.  It goes on.  Robert Frost 

This past Saturday the topic of self care and utilizing community supports came up while I was presenting to a group of divorcing parents.  One parent commented on how easy it was to tell which people took care of themselves and which ones didn’t.  She said, “The ones that don’t, you can spot a mile away because all they can talk about is the divorce and what is going on with their soon to be ex.   It’s almost like they have been infected because everything in their lives starts to sound like a never ending soap opera. After awhile you see co-workers avoiding them like the plague because they just don’t want to hear it anymore.  When I went through my divorce, I knew I did not want to be that person.” 

My guess is none of us wants to be that person.  However, when you are in the middle of a highly stressful life altering situation it’s easy for even the most level headed person to become overwhelmed.  As a step mom and a second wife, believe me, I have had my moments.   

While sharing your feelings and getting support is healthy, draining the life out of everything around you is not.  Often work relationships and office environment can be a breeding ground for this kind of situation. Ultimately it can effect how you manage your job.  Best to avoid self creating stress wherever possible and try to keep your job a drama free environment.   If you’re not interested in being the next hot topic at the water cooler, here are some tips for managing life at work when going through the process of divorce. 

► When possible, try to set up supports for yourself outside of work.  If you have other resources outside of the office, you will be less tempted to use work as your personal self analysis outlet       

► Talk to your boss or supervisor. Before hand decide what you need to say to your employer or supervisor about the situation.  If emotions are strong, it may help to write points down.  Let them know that you will do your best not to let this affect your performance at work and if needed discuss options for flexibility.                                                                                                              

► Think about what you want to share with co-workers.  There are times when co-workers can be a great resource and many have the best of intentions when they ask how you are doing.  Think through how you want to handle questions about the divorce and what information you want to share. Remember less is usually best, you can always decide to say more later but you can’t take back what you have already said.  Try to be discreet with the information you share. You will be glad you did later. 

► Learn to ask questions   If you are feeling vulnerable and worried about how you will handle conversations at work learn to ask questions.  Almost any conversation can be turned around by simply asking someone a question about themselves.  Most people appreciate it when others show an interest in them and it is a great way to take yourself out of the hot seat.  

► Realize some days will be tougher than others. If something happens while you are at work that stirs up strong feelings try not to get caught up in the moment.  Take a brief break and regroup. You might consider going for a walk around the block, taking an early lunch break, getting a cup of coffee or going to the bathroom to take a couple of deep breaths.  During this time remind yourself that you have every right to be mad or upset however, try to make a conscious effort not to let it take control of your day.  If you can’t leave,  then get out a piece of paper and write down a few sentences or words, fold it up and put it in your desk drawer to deal with later. 

 ► Minimize personal calls or emails from your soon to be ex or attorney at work. Don’t force yourself into knee jerk reactions.  Unless there is an emergency situation almost any decision can wait until after 5 pm.   

► Pay attention to your environment.  Think through how you can help yourself stay focused and on task at work.  If concentrating is difficult, use notes, written reminders or calendars to hold yourself accountable.  Also, be creative and find ways to keep work a positive place i.e.  post quotes, put up pictures of your children, have your favorite music available etc.  Try to surround yourself with positive energy; you’ll be surprised at what a difference it can make!

Topics: divorce and work | No Comments »

Parent Alienation, what hasn’t been said.

By admin | May 13, 2007

divblog cartoon 

It seems that this must be the season for the difficult celebrity divorce. Certainly the recent media frenzy around Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger has brought lots of attention to the topic of parent alienation.  Over the past few weeks a great deal of finger pointing along with endless debates about the validity of parent alienation have abounded.  Advocates for fathers rights are speaking out about the injustice of the system, others are empathizing with the plight of Alec Baldwin, while some are voicing their complete repulsion for any father who would verbally attack his child in such a manner.  And let us not forget the role Kim Basinger has played in all of this where views range from the applauded protective mother to the vengeful ex wife.  

Oh the stress of it all almost makes you want to get drunk and video tape yourself eating a hamburger. (My apologies to those of you who are devoted David Hasselhoff fans; the temptation to digress was far too great.)   

Actually, I find it all a bit sensationalistic and ludicrous.  Regardless of which side of the fence you stand on, the truth is that every day children are being put in the middle of their parent’s war with one another.  Often as a result, children are placed in the compromising and incredibly damaging position of having to take sides with one parent over another.   So if you are in this type of situation what can you do? 

  1. Behave with integrity

Just because the other parent is not focused on the needs of the children doesn’t me you have to reciprocate.  Don’t get caught in the trap of thinking that you are helpless. While you may not have control over the other parent’s actions you do have control over how you respond and how you process the situation with your children.

  1. Don’t let the situation take over your life. 

Find some support for yourself and as much as possible limit the amount of emotional energy you are giving to the conflict.

  1. Don’t blame your children for the rejection.

In normal parenting situations it is reasonable to hold your children accountable for inappropriate and disrespectful behavior.  These situations are not normal circumstances. Children are literally being placed in a situation where in order to be embraced by one parent they must reject the other.  If the relationship with your child is in jeopardy the first and most important goal is to preserve your relationship and emotional connection with your child.  Accountability needs to take a backseat.  

  1. Make sure you are taking responsibility for your part

In some situations target parents may contribute or enhance the alienation by either trying to aggressively fight back or by becoming overly passive. Others may choose to completely withdraw from children’s lives because the rejection and persecution had become too difficult to deal with.                                                  

5.  Be the most consistent loving parent you can be                                           

When dealing with high conflict situations it can sometimes be hard to see how your actions are making a difference.  In some parent child relationships it may take years before you will see the results of your choices and effort.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking you do not matter to your children, you do.   

Possibly the silver lining to this recent poor parenting media blitz is that it has brought attention to a topic that absolutely needs to be discussed.  Perhaps it can be a catalyst for some much needed change.    

In the meantime…my advice to the celebrities. Stop arguing over whose the best swimmer.  Your children are drowning, find some way to jump in and save them.

Topics: Alienation | No Comments »