Surviving the Summer
By admin | June 15, 2009
Christina’s top four tips for “Surviving the Summer” as seen on Fox 26 morning news - Houston Texas
Two of the biggest summer issues for separated parents are:
1. Who’s going to pay for it?
2. How are we going to schedule it?
If you are struggling with either or both of these issues, keep the following tips in mind.
• Make sure you are doing the talking
When tensions are high, it can be tempting to avoid talking with the other parent and relay information through the children. Sharing information between households is a burden children shouldn’t have to bear.
When summer events come up, talk with the other parent. Make sure YOU are the one delivering news about trips you may be taking, how much special activities will cost and scheduling needs. While you may not feel it’s your responsibility to keep your ex in the loop, it’s best for kids when both parents can be supportive of their activities and share in the excitement.
• Don’t ambush the other parent
Nobody likes a surprise attack. When making plans, don’t set the other parent up to be the “fall guy.” For example, “I would really love for you to go to the Boy Scouts camping trip this summer. But it’s really up to your Mom to say yes. You can’t do it unless she pays her part.”
Remember there are special things in a child’s life that aren’t always covered by child support.
Instead, say, “The Boy Scouts camping trip would be lots of fun but before we can make plans, I need to talk with Mom to see if we can work out the details.”
• Know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em
Be willing to cut your losses and take a higher road. When you can’t resolve an issue or the other parent won’t participate, make an executive decision.
If you make a decision to foot the bill or juggle your schedule, don’t make your kids pay the price. While summer camp may be a wonderful experience for Suzy, it probably won’t be wonderful for very long if Suzy has to listen to what a bum Dad is for not paying half.
Bottom line; What’s more important: your need to be justified or right…or your children’s needs?
• Be a family, not an entertainment committee
Don’t guilt yourself for not having enough time with kids. Avoid falling into the trap of packing every moment together with fun filled, exciting activities. This can be a quick ticket to overwhelmed and stressed out kids.
Maintain a sense of family by involving your children in low maintenance activities such as taking evening walks, going to the park, reading a book together or playing a family game.
What kids crave most is your undivided attention.
Whether this is your first summer during or the fifth, shifting into summer is tough for lots of families. Keeping these key reminders.
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Preparing for the summer
By admin | May 28, 2009
As the end of the school term draws near many parents start feeling anxious about transitioning their children into a summer schedule. Historically this time of year is when many children spend longer periods of time away from one or both parents due to vacations and/or scheduled extended periods of time with one parent or the other. While there have been some shifts towards shared parenting, many families still work around a structure where one parent functions as the primary household and the other parent spends the majority of their time with children on weekends, holidays and during the summer months.
For many parents it can be incredibly difficult to think about not seeing children for weeks at a time. However, it is important to remember that summer arrangements can produce a considerable amount of stress for children as well, especially if Read the rest of this entry »
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Parenting Gone Wrong OR Wake-up Call?
By admin | April 27, 2009
It seems yet another sensationalistic parenting story has caught the media’s attention with a vengeance. Apparently over the weekend 45-year-old mom, Madlyn Primoff, had enough and dropped her arguing daughters, (10 and 12 years old) on the side of the road three miles from home. While the details vary some from story to story, you can get the general gist of what occurred by following the link at the bottom of the page.
We love these types of stories don’t we? They seem to bring out the overly opinionated commentator in all of us. Ignoring it is a bit like closing your eyes during the scary parts of a movie. You don’t want to look but then again it’s so tempting. Others perhaps just feel drawn to the shock and can’t get enough.
Clearly I am no exception. I admit the story line of an overwhelmed mom gone berserk caught my attention. As a parent of four children (two bonus, two bio) I totally get the whole “Stop touching each other or else” feeling. Yet it was Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Stress | No Comments »
What’s Your Legacy?
By admin | April 20, 2009
Recently I came across an amazing new community movement called the “Noticer Project” hosted by Andy Andrews’s. Andy is an inspirational bestselling author who has initiated a worldwide movement encouraging people to “notice the five most influential people in your life.” If you haven’t seen his work you can check it out at thenoticerproject.com.
Touched by Andy’s movement I decide to post an article I wrote in 2007 about a dear friend and colleague who significantly impacted my life. Richard, also a writer, was one of my greatest supporters always encouraging me to follow my dream. As I continue work on my latest book project I can often hear his voice inside my head offering words of wisdom and encouragement.
Written in loving memory of Dr. Richard B. Austin
This past month my dear friend and colleague, Dr. Richard Austin, died from health related complications due to cancer. He was someone whom I greatly respected professionally but I also admired his unbridled passion for life. To me, Richard exemplified what it means to live a full and rich life. He was someone who faced challenge with integrity and seemed to handle problems Read the rest of this entry »
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Counterbalancing the Negative Impact of Divorce for Your Children
By admin | January 9, 2009
“Every word we say to our children, good or bad, positive or negative, shapes their future.”
Recently, I was reminded of a powerful yet simple way parents can counterbalance the negative impact of divorce for their children. David Hays, both a good friend and colleague of mine, co-facilitates a monthly parenting class with me. He is one of the best behavior specialists for children I know and is an expert at helping adults interact with children in a more positive and productive way.
During our last presentation, he recommended that parents use a 4 to 1 ratio of positive to negative statements with their children. Based on the work of relationship expert John Gottman, professionals suggest children need to hear approximately four positive statements for every negative comment to counterbalance the impact of negative comments. While I have always been aware of the importance of providing children with positive feedback and affirmations, I can honestly say Read the rest of this entry »
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Ten Tips for Handling the Holidays
By admin | December 5, 2008
Traditionally holidays are depicted as a special time of the year for families to be together. However, when a divorce or separation occurs, many parents and children find themselves feeling confused, disappointed, conflicted and frustrated. During this time of the year it is important to remember special occasions do not have to be emotionally stressful provided Read the rest of this entry »
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Helping Kids Handle Holiday Events
By admin | November 17, 2008
When family events come up, especially during the holiday season, most of us spend our energy focusing on things like:
• Taking care of last minute details
• Buying gifts
• Planning menus or preparing for guests
And how to squeeze in all the programs, dinners, seasonal activities and parties into our already full schedules.
However, as we bustle around we often forget how difficult attending some of these events can be for our children. How many of us are guilty of trying to bribe our children for good behavior, repeatedly reminding them that Santa is watching only to Read the rest of this entry »
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Update for Parents Struggling with Alienation
By admin | October 23, 2008
Update: Alec Baldwin’s new book A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce released in September 2008. Putting this on my personal “Books to Read” list. Whether you love him or hate him, like him or dislike him, you might want to check out the book for his experience managing Parent Alienation. Will report back here after reading the book.
If you have read the book and have comments, please share with us.
original article posted May 2007
It seems that this must be the season for the difficult celebrity divorce. Certainly the recent media frenzy around Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger has brought lots of attention to the topic of parent alienation. Over the past few weeks a great deal of finger pointing along with endless debates about the validity of parent alienation have abounded. Advocates for fathers rights are speaking out about the injustice of the system, others are empathizing with the plight of Alec Baldwin, while some are voicing their complete repulsion for any father who would verbally attack his child in such a manner. And let us not forget the role Kim Basinger has played in all of this where Read the rest of this entry »
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Divorce Distress: How to manage life when things feel crazy
By admin | October 20, 2008
I am not a big fan of television; I don’t normally listen to much radio or take in the news on a regular basis. On an average normal day I give very little, if any, attention to celebrity news. For the most part I am considered by most to be totally clueless about who’s who’s in Hollywood. And amazingly enough, my life seems to function just fine. However, unless you live under a rock, (as I have occasionally been accused of doing) you would be hard pressed not to know about the ongoing Britney Spears, Kevin Federline parenting saga.
When contacted for comment on the situation by OK magazine, the question was raised what happens to parents when divorce occurs, i.e. is Brit’s bad parenting the result of normal “divorce distress”? First, it is very common, especially in the early stages of divorce and separation, for life to be very chaotic for parents and children. Let me emphasize the words very chaotic. Research indicates Read the rest of this entry »
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Shed the Dread: The value of taking action
By admin | September 24, 2008
You will never plough a field if you only turn it over in your mind.
Irish Proverb
Recently while working with a client, I was once again reminded of the powerful connection that exists between action/inaction and our emotional health. Sally had been dealing with a number of significant changes in her life including a recent separation from her husband, a pending divorce and the possibility of having to re-enter the professional world after devoting years to being a stay at home Mom.
In the midst of these changes, she had been struggling for several months with getting her home office organized. She absolutely dreaded entering the room and did everything she could think of to avoid it. Fantasies abounded from boarding up the doors and never opening it again, to having the whole room demolished and shipped to the local dump. She yearned for a clean fresh start. Anytime she spoke about her home office you could hear the life being sucked out of her. She felt hopeless, overwhelmed and incompetent. It became clear through our sessions that she had a considerable amount of emotional energy invested in this room. For her it was not just a cluttered room but Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Taking Action | No Comments »