A Word About Self-Care

Divorce feels like a crisis. It is a traumatic, crazy and an uncertain time for you and your children. What do most people do when they are in crisis? Well, they survive by living from moment to moment and finding some way to keep going until things get better or at the very least, tolerable.

Until you reach that point where things feel better, one of the most important things you can do for your children is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

Ever notice when you are on an airplane the flight attendant always says:

"In the event of an emergency an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. If you are traveling with a child or someone who needs assistance place the oxygen mask on yourself first and then on your child."

Why? Well clearly if you pass out from lack of oxygen who will be left to care for your children. The same is true with divorce. If you exhaust yourself mentally physically, spiritually and emotionally, what will happen to your children???

First, a word about feelings
Divorce stirs up many different emotions at different times. How we are feeling in turn effects how we react to various situations. It is important to remember our children's feelings are going to be different than our own. At times we may have strong feelings about our child's other parent or issues surrounding the divorce. Don't make your issues and feelings your children's problem. Not only do we need to care for ourselves so we are available to care for our kids, we also need to set an example for our children. Kids learn that life is going to be okay when we show them through our words and actions that we have things under control. In times of crisis, even adults may need reassurance that life is going to be okay. As a result, we may forget or need to relearn how to care for ourselves. To help with the relearning process, you may want to review the pointers regarding self-care listed below.

Helping yourself

Take good care of your physical self
Eat right, sleep and exercise.

Take care of your emotional self
If you are having a hard time talk with a trusted friend, seek out a support group or professional help.

Take time to do things for yourself that are nurturing or positive
Be sure to monitor your level of stress and strive to maintain balance. Make time to take hot baths, read good books, have coffee or dinner with a friend, walk in the park or develop a new hobby. Put energy into activities that promote your confidence and self worth.

Avoid overreacting to emotions or situations
If your emotions are overwhelming, give yourself some time to figure out what is going on. Very few situations require an immediate response. For example, your ex just mentioned he/she is getting remarried and wants to switch weekends so the children can be at the wedding. You might want to respond by saying "I need some time to think about it, I will call you later in the week."

Separate your feelings from problems or issues involving your children and the other parent
This goes hand in hand with not reacting. Remember your children's feelings are going to be different than your own. In order to really listen to our children we need to give ourselves some emotional distance from the issue or feeling. Take the example of an ex getting remarried. Let's suppose you feel hurt and angry about your ex's decision, however, your children might be feeling excited, confused or nervous. If your children think you are having difficulty dealing with your feelings, they may be reluctant to share their emotions with you for fear of further upsetting a parent or possibly jeopardizing their relationship with mom or dad.

Give yourself permission to feel your feelings in a healthy way
You have every right to feel the way you do. What you do with those feelings, however, can make a world of difference in your life and the lives of your children. Avoid destructive expressions such as drinking alcohol, mind games, seeking revenge or engaging in verbal assaults with your ex-spouse. Instead, find safe healthy people to talk with and vent your frustration. Invest your energy into new interests or other growth promoting activities.

Change your expectations
When you were married you had little control, if any, over what your spouse did and said. Now that you are divorced you have even less control. Don't spend your valuable time and energy trying to change or control issues involving the other parent or the divorce. Rather, focus on being the best parent you can be and maintaining a positive relationship with your children.

Avoid making sudden or rash decisions
Sometimes when we feel overwhelmed and out of control our tendency is to want things to change immediately. Don't make major decisions or life changes without thinking through all possible consequences. Your children and you are already dealing with an overwhelming number of changes. Take time to think things through, get feedback from others and weigh out your options.

Make peace with the past and move forward
Give yourself time to heal from the divorce and process your feelings of grief and loss. Try to gain some insight into how you contributed to the marriage not being successful. Don't use new relationships as a way to avoid dealing with issues from your previous marriage.

Be creative, don't get hung up on only one way of doing things
Instead of locking yourself into absolutes, when problems or situations arise try changing your perspective or doing something different. Try to stay flexible and remember sometimes plans will need to be revised or altered to accommodate your children's needs.

Above all, keep your sense of humor

Get help for your children

Children's DVD

Program

Children's Workbook

"A must have for  any parent who has struggled with how to talk to their children about divorce."

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Thank you for posting such a great website.        I am not a parent or anything like that, but I am        a child of a divorce couple and your site has helped  me greatly!

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