Articles: PARENTING WITH YOUR EX
Don't let your children become casualties of a war between you and your ex-spouse.
One of the most damaging aspects of divorce consistently emphasized by researchers, mental health professionals and family courts is parental conflict. When children are exposed to parent's heated debates, badmouthing, insults and high conflict situations, they suffer tremendously. Children literally view themselves as half mom and half dad. Therefore, if they hear negative information or comments about one parent, kids tend to view it as something bad about them. This can greatly affect a child's self image and self esteem.
Exposing children to parental conflict can:
- Place children in loyalty conflicts (feeling like they must choose one parent over the other).
- Continue or escalate children's feelings of fear and insecurity.
- Damage children's self esteem and sense of identity.
- Prolong short-term reactions to divorce and keep children from successfully adjusting.
- Contribute to development of negative long-term reactions.
- Keep children feeling responsible for the divorce.
Something to consider...
When I teach parenting classes to parents experiencing divorce, I often tell them that regardless of how you feel about your ex-spouse, no matter how long you have been divorced, when you have children there is one part of your marriage vows that will always ring true:
"Till death do you part"
Although parents are usually not thrilled to hear this, it is very true. Despite the fact that your relationship as a married couple has ended, your roles as Mom and Dad will continue for a lifetime. Children function best when they are able to have a nurturing, supportive relationship with BOTH parents. Even after your children are grown, plan on them wanting both of you to be involved in holidays, graduations, weddings and the birth of grandchildren. Parenting is a lifetime commitment and your children have a right to have both of you actively involved in their lives.
Parenting with someone you
couldn't be married to
So this raises the ever-popular question of, "how do you continue to parent your children with someone you felt you couldn't be married to"?
Tips for establishing a successful co-parenting relationship with your ex spouse.
Avoid conflict in front of your children at all cost
Often contact between parents initially is difficult and can be a breeding ground for open warfare. If you, or the other parent, are having difficulty avoiding conflict try to create other options that may decrease potential confrontations. Arrange for pickups or drop offs to take place in a neutral setting. Also make sure children are not in listening range when telephone conversations are being held with the other parent. If necessary use written communication, voicemail, text messages, email or faxes to share information with your child's other parent.
Establish a business relationship with your ex which is focused on the best interest of your children
Your relationship as husband and wife has ended; however, you both continue to have a lifelong investment in the well being of your children. Avoid conversations that address old issues, personal information or encourage conflict. If you are having difficulty separating your emotions from the situation or person, ask yourself how you would handle a similar situation with a fellow co-worker. Sometimes it may be helpful to think about how you would want the situation handled if the roles were reversed.
Change your expectations
Following divorce some parents try to control one another through resorting to manipulation, confrontation and bad mouthing. Don't put energy into trying to control your ex or the situation. The most you can do is be the best parent you can be and strive to influence your children in a nurturing supportive way.
Control your anger
If you find yourself reacting to something your ex has said or done, whenever possible find some way to distance yourself from your immediate response. Give yourself time to vent to a friend, sort through your feelings and cool off. Approach your ex at a later time once you have sorted through things. Instead of waging a personal attack, stay focused on addressing the issue. Also try utilizing negotiation tactics during times of disagreement.
Be supportive of the other parents role in your child's life
Remember just because your ex wasn't a good partner doesn't mean they can't be a good parent. Speak positively about the other parent to your children when possible. (If you can't you are probably better off not saying anything.)
Resolve feelings and issues regarding your ex-spouse
Find some way to address your issues related to the divorce verses hanging onto the anger and hurt. Moving forward is important for both you and your children. If you are having difficulty find some help.
Take responsibility for communicating with your child's other parent
Inform the other parent of school functions, important details, extracurricular activities and special events whenever possible for your child's benefit.
When possible be flexible and willing to compromise
Where children are concerned plans are always subject to change. Be open to changes or agreements which serve your children's best interest. It also sets a good example for children when parents are willing to work things out.
Less than Ideal Situations
While you may not have control over the choices your ex-spouse makes, you do have control over the choices you make. When situations are highly conflictual or difficult keep in mind some of the following suggestions.
Keep discussions with your ex focused on the best interest of your children. If your ex brings up old arguments or issues don't get into a debate over who is right and who is wrong. Refocus the conversation on the issue at hand and stick to the task, parenting your children.
If face-to-face contact is too difficult use email. Email can be a good way to exchange ideas or information about the children and minimize conflict. Remember to avoid getting into a paper war with your ex. Exchanging a series of angry emails at each other will not help your children either.
Don't retaliate when your spouse launches a personal attack. Even though it may be hard when your ex says or does something to push your buttons, take the high road and avoid reacting to your ex spouses inappropriate behavior.
Find safe and healthy ways to vent/process your feelings. Dealing with conflict can be draining. Make sure you are handling your feelings and that you have appropriate outlets, as well as, a supportive network.
Strive to provide your children with consistency and stability regardless of the other parent's actions. Focus on what you can control not what you can't. While you may not agree with the other parent's choices children will still fare better if they have a loving stable relationship with at least one parent.
Don't get yourself worked up over the small stuff. When emotions are running high it is easy for issues to become much bigger than they actually are. To gain perspective ask yourself what difference will this make six months from now? a year?
Don't use drop-offs or pick-ups as a time to discuss information regarding the children. Schedule mutually agreeable times to either talk over issues or choose to share information by email. Pick ups and drop off can be emotional times for children and parents.
When abuse has occurred
When abuse of a child or parent has occurred the recommendations regarding co-operative parenting change drastically. First and foremost, the safety of children and or an abused parent are the primary issues.
If your situation involves any type of abusive situation seek help immediately for you and your children. When abusive relationships have occurred limited contact between parents, as well as, children, may be in a child's best interest. Legal support may also play a significant role in keeping everyone safe. Keep in mind that consistent documentation can be very important in these types of situations.
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