Articles: ALIENATION ISSUES
Parent Alienation and
Hostile Aggressive Parenting
What is Parent Alienation?
Parent alienation is a dynamic where a child is significantly influenced by one parent (typically referred to as the alienator) to completely reject the other parent (often known as the target parent). Children are literally placed in a situation where they must view one parent as all bad and one parent as all good. Therefore there is no space for a child to love both parents. Given that children view themselves as half Mom and half Dad, the end result is that the child is forced to deny or reject themselves.
One of the defining characteristics of PAS is that children join the alienating parent’s campaign of hate and eventually reject the target parent.
Other characteristic include:
- Children creating frivolous and unjustified reasons for not wanting to see the other parent.
- Children refusing to spend time with a parent
- Children develop a polarized view of parents i.e. viewing the alienating parent as all good and the target parent as all bad.
- Children adopt the alienating parents perspective as their own
- Children frequently state adult concerns about the other parent
What is Hostile Aggressive Parenting?
Hostile Aggressive Parenting addresses any form of interference to a normal healthy parent child relationship. Unlike PAS Hostile Aggressive Parenting does not involved the mental health of the child but rather identifies the actions and behaviors adults. HAP is not limited to biological parents but is a dynamic that can also involve any significant adult that has influence over a child (i.e. grandparents, stepparents, extended family members etc.)
Characteristics of Alienation
- Feel a strong need to protect the child from the other parent: lacks confidence in the other parent’s ability to care for the child
- Unable to separate the child’s needs/feelings from their own
Poor boundaries with children, may treat child as a peer
- Interferes with parent/child access
i.e. fabricating illness of a child, scheduling activities during the other parent’s time, making sure children are not available for pick up, raising concerns about a parent’s ability to care for the child, using legal system as a way to reduce time between the other parent and child
- May allege allegations of abuse
- Shares adult information with children either overtly or subtly
- Will not accept responsibility for issues with children places 100% of the blame on the other parent
- Unable to see any positive qualities in the other parent
- May refer to other parent in third person or encourage children to call parent by first name.
What Makes a Difference?
The intensity of the alienation
How aggressive is the campaign? Does the child have any reprieve from the alienating parent? How much support does the alienating parent have to affirm their perspective? (i.e. such as step parents, new partners or extended family members who support the alienation)
Target parent’s previous relationship with the child
What was the target parent’s relationship with the child before the separation or divorce? How involved was the target parent in the child’s life prior to the separation, was the relationship emotionally close?
The characteristics and personality of the child
What level of ego strength does the child have, Age of the child? Does the child possess a high level of resiliency?
Target parent's response to the alienation
Some target parent contribute to the alienation by either being unresponsive and withdrawing from a child’s life or through fighting fire with fire and trying to convince the child to accept their perspective. Neither approach is helpful in these situations.
Tips for Dealing With Alienation
Behave with integrity
Just because the other parent is not focused on the needs of the children doesn’t mean you have to reciprocate. Don’t get caught in the trap of thinking that you are helpless. While you may not have control over the other parent’s actions you do have control over how you respond and how you process the situation with your children.
Don’t let the situation take over your life.
Find some support for yourself and as much as possible limit the amount of emotional energy you are giving to the conflict.
Don’t blame your children for the rejection.
In normal parenting situations it is reasonable to hold your children accountable for inappropriate and disrespectful behavior. These situations are not normal circumstances. Children are literally being placed in a situation where in order to be embraced by one parent they must reject the other. If the relationship with your child is in jeopardy the first and most important goal is to preserve your relationship and emotional connection with your child. Accountability needs to take a backseat.
Make sure you are taking responsibility for your part
In some situations target parents may contribute or enhance the alienation by either trying to aggressively fight back or by becoming overly passive. Others may choose to completely withdraw from children’s lives because the rejection and persecution had become too difficult to deal with.
Be the most consistent loving parent you can be
When dealing with high conflict situations it can sometimes be hard to see how your actions are making a difference. In some parent child relationships it may take years before you will see the results of your choices and effort. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you do not matter to your children, you do.
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